It's a good thing I'm not a professional blogger...I would have been fired a long time ago!
I've written before about Hello Mornings and how if I can actually get up in the morning and spend some time with the Lord, first thing, it makes such a HUGE difference in my day. But lately, I'm tired of waking to an alarm or I haven't slept well or someone has been up in the middle of the night. I can list the excuses with the best of them, and to the average person, they are good excuses. Here's the problem...at the end of the day, they are just excuses.
The one who is shaking his head at my excuses is the only One who matters. God is saying to me, "but that is our time." And the conclusion I've come to, with some help from a Hello Mornings blog post (that I can't locate at the moment), is that I have a faith issue, a trust issue, a heart issue. In the deepest part of my heart, I do not think the Lord will see me through the day where I've not gotten enough sleep the night before. I do not think he will give me everything I need. I do not believe that he will be there for me throughout the day. It's a heart issue. Those words sting to write.
My mind tells me all that I need to know. That the Lord will never leave or forsake me, that he always meets all of my needs. Why can't I transfer this? Why can't I take this and apply it to the seemingly small things? What is it that is blocking my heart from fully engaging? (Maybe I should be laying on someone's couch for this part!?!) What I know, is that I have issues (don't we all) but that mine is a heart issue, a trust issue, a belief issue. The belief that the Lord is not going to come for me, not going to meet all of my needs - large or small.
As I have thought about this for weeks, I have realized that so much is tied to this heart issue. It affects more than just waking up in the morning. It keeps me seeing the reflection in the mirror rather than the reflection of God. It keeps me impatient with my kids. It keeps me from relationships with others. There's a lot of work to be done, but the One who died for me will be there to help me through.
Like I said, it sting to write these words, to admit that my heart isn't where it should be. The sting that hits your eyes when you've been crying all night. The sting that comes when you discover you're been betrayed. But there is a calm, a peace, as well. Unlike so many, I know that this is my issue. I know that my heart needs some work. I can't tell you that I know what to do to fix it. I know I can't fix it on my own (I've tried). It will have to start with trusting the Lord to meet every need of mine, during the day. It will be an everyday battle with my alarm clock. It will not be easy as true change never is, but it will be worth it. I'd appreciate your prayers, even just that I'd get up when the alarm goes off! Thanks, friends!!
