My Experience

A hot topic lately has been depression.  I'm going to add my story to the mix.

I know depression.  Although I have never been formally diagnosed and I have never had thoughts of suicide and never had a plan, I know depression.  It is a dark, dark place.  Where it is black as the darkest night and the walls are closing in around you.  It is a place where you don't want to crawl out of bed.  Where it takes you twice as long to do a task.  It is debilitating.  It is suffocating.

For me, it probably started as Seasonal Affective Disorder because if you live in Indiana, you know that sun doesn't make regular appearances in the winter.  I could make it through the winter and get to spring and it would get better.  I prepared myself for this every year.  Let's get the gloves, hats, scarves, and extra bedding out, because that is where I'll want to be.  In my bed.  I was unproductive and generally just felt like I was watching life happen around me.  I didn't engage a whole lot because I didn't have anything to give.  This last winter was brutal and no wonder I was depressed, the snow and cold and countless school cancellations were awful.  But spring came and things got a little better or at least I thought they had.  Then summer came and I was exhausted all the time.  Again.  I wanted to just get through the day.  Again.  I wanted someone else to do my mom jobs.  Again.  This was more than SAD, this was something I needed help with.  But that shaming voice came in and said, "No, I can handle it.  I always have.  I don't need help."

I had a dear friend share her story with me.  The part of the story you need to know is that she described how she felt after taking medication (for depression) and said she'd wondered what the last few years would have been like if she would have done something about it earlier.  That voice (shame) chimed in and said "That is really great for her, but you're good."

Weeks, maybe a month later, her words were ringing in my ears and I decided I would talk to my doctor at an already scheduled appointment.  In the meantime, I had this essential oil that was supposed to help with "stuff like that."  I started applying the oil just to the bottoms of my feet (because I couldn't stand the smell of it).  I did that every morning for a few weeks and noticed a change.  I felt different, like I could see and think clearly.  Like I went from fuzzy black and white to high definition.  It was what I needed and it was working.  Appropriately, it is a blend of oils, called Joy.  It was just the joy I needed.  I now apply it on the bottoms of my feet and just over my heart.

Here's the point to me sharing this.  Depression happens to more than we realize.  And ladies, it is twice as common for us as it is for men.  Depression, for some, is not something you can just pray your way out of.  I 100% believe that my God is a God who heals people, who performs miracles.  I have seen some great healing even in the last few years.  But, I also believe that God made really smart people to create things to help combat different diseases.  There is medication, happy lights, and essential oils to name a few.  Of course diet and exercise play into it but when you are depressed it feels like you are wearing a weight vest and walking through sand, and when you do those things you are exhausted.  All. the. time.  I knew what I "needed" to do but doing it was quite another thing.

If you are struggling with depression, TELL SOMEONE.  Do not go it alone.  Evil plays a part in this and whispers lies (remember my shaming voice?).  Even now, I am questioning what I write.  What will people think?  What will they say?  Will they still be my friend?  Are they going to make fun of me?  This is all shame and has no place in your life or mine.  You should not be ashamed of this.  As soon as you tell someone, the voices get quieter.  It is not a secret that shame can hold over your head anymore.  Tell someone.    Life is not to be set on cruise control.  Life is to be lived and if you are depressed it is hard to do that.

And if you are the someone being told, just listen.  It is not yours to fix.  You need to understand that this is out of that person's control but telling someone brings freedom.  Be the person to offer freedom.  Then, pray with them.  That they would be healed, that they would seek the help they need.  Sometimes Christians are the worst critics.  Maybe that is why so many think we are so hypocritical.  We can combat that and just show people Jesus.  Guys, he hung out with all those that were cast out.  He didn't hang out with the popular crowd.  He would have hung out with me at my lowest.  He would have talked with me like he did the woman at the well.  He would have been there to offer a hand and help me up in the right direction.  Let's show people freedom.  Let's go there.  Be understanding, educated yourself on depression, and understand that you  can't just "snap out of it."

I am now seeing the other side of depression and there is life to live!  Be honest with yourself, think about what you might need.  What is the best route for you?  Do you need to see a doctor?  There is NO shame in that.  No part of this is one size fits all.  God made us all unique so you find the help you need.  There are people to help you.  I will help you.  I just cannot begin to tell you about the life and freedom that are on the other side.  Words do not give it justice.  It is beautiful, like all of your favorite things rolled into one and it doesn't matter if it is raining outside because life is good!!

Here's the thing...

I just got through reading 2 incredible posts by 2 different women, talking about beauty and image.  I LOVE them both.  I shared them on my FB page or you can go to Momastery and read them.

Here's the thing...
I care.  Not in that, I have to be in a size 2 and have perfect make up kind of way.  It is more in the, I'd like my jeans to fit and not have to worry about that extra stuff hanging over the top that makes me feel so uncomfortable and makes me count the minutes until I can get home and put the elastic waist band back on.  Yes, all that extra is there because I have 2 beautiful kids, and I LOVE those kids but I don't love the extra stuff.  I don't need it there to remind me of my great kids.  Those kids are etched in my heart but I'd rather they not be etched on my hips.

I've read so many blogs and articles that say, embrace the baby body and love yourself because those rolls, scars, and marks are there because you gave someone else life.  I am not disagreeing with that at all, but sometimes I think it is used as an excuse to keep us comfortable and, in my case, unhealthy.  (I may or may not have had a piece of cheesecake while my children were "resting.")

I know that I will never have a personal chef or a nanny to watch my kids while I work out for hours every day.  So if we know that, let's not compare ourselves to the celebrities that have those things.  I mean, we are not all getting paid by Weight Watchers to be a spokesperson while we lose the weight.  Let's just stop with the comparisons and be realistic.

I am just saying, I am not ok with the post baby leftovers that are still hanging on 4+ years later.  And if you're not ok with that either, that is OK.  We'll start a support group.  (Seriously.)  If you are content, I admire you.

Let's see ourselves for who we are.  Let's focus on being strong, both physically and mentally.  Let's focus on food as fuel (which is REALLY hard for me, hence the cheesecake mentioned earlier).  Let's dig deep, realize we all have baggage and crap (whether people see it or not) and deal with it.  Talk to someone.  I guarantee that when you open your mouth, your friend will not be shocked and you will feel lighter.  Secrets keep you trapped.  Let's embrace who we are.  The whole package of ourselves.  Let's not deny that we were created perfectly in the image of the only One who matters.  Let's get after it and in the process try to teach our daughters and nieces and cousins and every little girl that they are special and unique and it doesn't matter what the tag says.  Let's teach them what REAL beauty looks like.

Women

Why are women immediately defensive when something goes...maybe not the way they thought?  Is it expectations?  Is it the need to be right?  What is it?  And why do we do it?

If you not among the women I am talking about, could I read your book?  I am certainly among those who's feathers get ruffled and who's hair stands on end.  I am guilty.  I'm just saying it.

Part of it has to do with my expectations.  I am the queen of high expectations and you know what happens when expectations don't match, right?  Hurt, anger, frustration...all the ugly rolled into one.

It just so happens that I stand on the other side today.  The side where the reaction of a few, has caused hurt, has left me feeling worthless, like I have nothing to offer.  I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say, it was ridiculous.  (And if you're reading this, you were probably not the offender, so let's not go there either.  This is definitely NOT a passive aggressive stance.)

I just don't know why I continue to seek my worth in other people.  Imperfect, going to let you down, people.  Why is it so hard for me to look to the One who created me, the One who knows every thought I have, the One who designed me.  Why do those loud voices of crabby and let's face it, probably insecure women, tell me who I am?  What is the deal?

Let's just say that today a lesson was learned.  A lesson in when to let it go and when to push.  A lesson in worth and value.  And guess what???  I've got worth and value and so do you!

My honest opinion is that there is such a battle between moms - working moms, stay at home moms, work from home moms.  Who makes the best cookies, who takes the best vacations, who puts in the most volunteer hours at school.  Here is where I say, ENOUGH!!!!!

I am not designed to work full time as a mom.  I believe that God designed me with the heart to be at home with my kids.  And that does not make me less because someone else works and bakes and volunteers more than I do.  This is me and I have value and worth and something to offer just like the next person.  We do not chose to be over the top busy.  That is our choice.  I know that part of my design was that the minute I get overwhelmed, it isn't fun and when mama ain't happy...you know the rest.

So here's my plea.  Let's just be kind to one another.  Maybe that email was a little snarky because she's having a bad day or a bad year.  Let's be kind even if her tone is that you are nuts and know nothing.  Let's just be kind.  Jesus said we should be kind and love everyone, not just the people that are easy to love.  I am guilty.  I write an email response and call my husband so he can talk me down.  I need to be kind and love those women even when they make me feel like crap.  Because let's face it, they can't tell me who I am.  Only God can.  I either listen to the whispers or I listen to the truth.  So how about it...a campaign of kindness??????  Who's in?

I Am

There is a song by Crowder, called "I Am."  First, listen to it.  Second, listen to it again, but read the lyrics:

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't' find peace
There's no end to amazing grace

Take me in with Your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go
Never leave my side

I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on 
I am 

Love like this
Oh my God to find
I am overwhelmed
With a joy divine
Love like this sets our hearts on fire

This is my resurrection song
This is my halleluiah come
This is why it's to You I run

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't find peace
There's no end to amazing grace

This is by far one of my favorite songs right now, but probably of all time.  I think it is the perspective I am listening to it with (which not be wrong, but I don't know what David Crowder and Ed Cash had in mind).  When I listen to the chorus that says "I am, Holding onto You."  I hear it as "I Am, holding onto You."  Yep, I hear it as God, who called himself "I Am" when he was talking to Moses, saying that he's got me.  He's got all of us, everyday, but especially in the middle of the storm.  And let's face it, a storm is brewing.  There is always a storm: a relationship, a job, finances, school.  Whether it is an a snow storm, thunder storm, or F5 tornado, he's got us.  Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Yep, he's got us.  I know there are many times I need to be held (hence, the name of my blog - that I may rarely write on - Being Held Up).  I know he's holding me above the waves.  He's not going to let me drown.  It might get rough, but he's always got me.  God will never, ever, ever let go of me.  And all this stuff we might have to endure, it will only make us stronger (although it doesn't always feel like that).

I know more than a few people who are enduring some unimaginable things right now or who have had to, and there are probably many more enduring and I have no idea about their circumstances.  What I do know, is that God doesn't leave.  He doesn't mess up.  He will hold you through it and he will make sure it is used for good.  He's God.

And here's another really good song too..."Oceans"