A Heart Issue

It's a good thing I'm not a professional blogger...I would have been fired a long time ago!

I've written before about Hello Mornings and how if I can actually get up in the morning and spend some time with the Lord, first thing, it makes such a HUGE difference in my day.  But lately, I'm tired of waking to an alarm or I haven't slept well or someone has been up in the middle of the night.  I can list the excuses with the best of them, and to the average person, they are good excuses.  Here's the problem...at the end of the day, they are just excuses.

The one who is shaking his head at my excuses is the only One who matters.  God is saying to me, "but that is our time."  And the conclusion I've come to, with some help from a Hello Mornings blog post (that I can't locate at the moment), is that I have a faith issue, a trust issue, a heart issue.  In the deepest part of my heart, I do not think the Lord will see me through the day where I've not gotten enough sleep the night before.  I do not think he will give me everything I need.  I do not believe that he will be there for me throughout the day.  It's a heart issue.  Those words sting to write.

My mind tells me all that I need to know.  That the Lord will never leave or forsake me, that he always meets all of my needs.  Why can't I transfer this?  Why can't I take this and apply it to the seemingly small things?  What is it that is blocking my heart from fully engaging?  (Maybe I should be laying on someone's couch for this part!?!)  What I know, is that I have issues (don't we all) but that mine is a heart issue, a trust issue, a belief issue.  The belief that the Lord is not going to come for me, not going to meet all of my needs  - large or small.

As I have thought about this for weeks, I have realized that so much is tied to this heart issue.  It affects more than just waking up in the morning.  It keeps me seeing the reflection in the mirror rather than the reflection of God.  It keeps me impatient with my kids.  It keeps me from relationships with others.  There's a lot of work to be done, but the One who died for me will be there to help me through.

Like I said, it sting to write these words, to admit that my heart isn't where it should be.  The sting that hits your eyes when you've been crying all night.  The sting that comes when you discover you're been betrayed.  But there is a calm, a peace, as well.  Unlike so many, I know that this is my issue.  I know that my heart needs some work.  I can't tell you that I know what to do to fix it.  I know I can't fix it on my own (I've tried).  It will have to start with trusting the Lord to meet every need of mine, during the day.  It will be an everyday battle with my alarm clock.  It will not be easy as true change never is, but it will be worth it.  I'd appreciate your prayers, even just that I'd get up when the alarm goes off!  Thanks, friends!!

Yes, I am that girl...and I love that song.

I'm the girl that cries when my kids do something (anything) for the first time.

I'm the girl that laughs at the inappropriate things my son says/does.

I'm the girl that if I really worshipped how I wanted at church, people would stare.

I'm the girl who, tonight, has LOVED having a quiet house, my music, and no one to stare.

I'm the girl who cries when we sing Christmas songs at church, but especially "Silent Night" when the candles are lit at the end of the Christmas Eve service.

I'm the girl who will (almost guaranteed) cry during the service this Easter Sunday.

You see, the thought that someone, Jesus, would die for me - blows my mind.  I almost cannot comprehend it.  I have been taught this growing up but really, there are just NO words.  My hope, my life, my ability to love all come because of Jesus.  Wow.

No song sums it up better than "In Christ Alone."  I particularly LOVE this version from the Passion CD.  Listen to it.  And don't worry if your eyes aren't dry, mine aren't either!

Here are the lyrics:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

(In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.)

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

The verse in parenthesis was not included in the Passion version but is part of the original song written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend.  I've added my own emphasis.

Really, the best song.  Says so much.  Is so freeing.  Is so awesome.  I am without words.

Happy Easter!!  I hope you are able to celebrate with those you love, that Jesus rose so that we may live.

A few things...

First, a Hello Mornings update...it's hard!  The first week was easy, then everyone got sick and things started to fall apart.  It also isn't easy getting up when it is dark and cold outside.  There have been more than a few mornings that I have laid in bed and just prayed for my family or read my bible on my phone.  And although I'm not doing what I set out to do (actually getting up and studying), I still notice a difference in my day.  I'm a work in progress.

Second, it makes me really sad that my kindergartner comes home and talks about how other girls were mean to her.  Really???  Kindergarten???  I guess I'm not surprised.  My motto in high school was "Girls are mean and boys are dumb."  But again I say, Really????  I am already having to explain that most of the time people are mean because there is something about themselves they don't really like.  (In kindergarten terms, of course.)  I mean, she's not being bullied but it's the attitude paired with words that she gets.  (And hasn't this plagued women from the beginning?  If only Eve could have had that attitude with the snake, maybe I wouldn't even be posting this!)  I think more times than not I get 5 pictures drawn because she isn't playing with other kids.  She, however seems (for the most part) fine with it.  As her mama, I'm sad for her.

I can't tell you how much I hope and pray that my little girl is ok with who she is!  (I pray that for my son too, but something tells me he's got some healthy self confidence!)  I am seeing that she gets embarrassed dancing and singing in front of us.  I told her just tonight, that the beauty of this house is that the people who live here, LOVE her no matter what!  I hope that sinks in.  She is a smart, funny, yet serious little girl.  She loves her little brother and still loves Disney Princesses.  I've got to tell you, I hope that never changes!  I want her to be little as long as she can be.  I want her to like herself and really know who she is.  I don't want her to follow the popular crowd.

To be honest, I'm not sure that I really knew who I was until just recently.  Or, I should say, I didn't feel that I was free to be me until recently.  I was really good at blending in and becoming who I thought you'd want me to be.  I was really good at that when I dated in high school and college.  I was good at that when we moved and I was desperate to find new friends.  Fortunately for me, a few of those friends have helped me to let my guard down.  I am fun to be around.  I can be one of the only sober people dancing like a fool, having a great time (and I'll remember it in the morning)!  The beauty of it was that I just didn't care!  Seriously, this could only happen because of God.

I am thankful that I've learned this at such a crucial time in my daughter's life.  I'll be praying that God guides me (and my husband) each day in our interactions with her.  She is awesome and I want her to know that!  I want her to know that there is not one person on this earth exactly like her and it is cool to be who God created you to be.  He didn't make us all the same, so why do we try to conform and be like each other?  To fit in.  I guess I've learned that if I have to change who I am to fit in, it may not be a crowd I want to hang out with.  I pray that my kids know this much earlier than I did!  Authenticity is a beautiful thing!

Hello Mornings...maybe

So my friend told me about this challenge, the Hello Mornings Challenge, to be exact.  It is where you can sign up (willingly) to join a twitter or FB group with other women in your time zone and have some accountability to get up early and dive into your day the right way - with the Lord.  It is giving my first fruits to God.  It is hard!

Each person sets their own goal time to wake up and it seems that most of us have kids, so if your kids are late sleepers, you're golden.  Me, not so much.  My goal time is 5:30 so that I can hopefully have some time before their little feet hit the floor.  So far, the longest I've made it is 45 min, which is pretty good - and plenty of time to hear what the Lord was saying to me.  (And it's not just Bible study that they encourage - it's exercise, a shower, planning your day!  These ladies are realistic, which is awesome and what someone like me really needs!)

One of the hardest things for me is being still.  My mind doesn't stop and I think that is one of the reasons I'm not the best sleeper (and I wonder where my son gets it!).  I can trace a thought that starts at needing to do the laundry and ends up at where we ate on vacation last year.  There will be about 7 jumps in between but I can get us there.  Anyway, it is hard to shut it down and just listen.  I am working on that.  It is not always easy, but on those days like today where I am certain that I hear the Lord...wow!  So worth the early morning!  I mean, I'm meeting the one who created me.  The one who placed the stars in the sky.  The one who loves me despite myself.  And the one who wouldn't miss these moments for anything!

Even if you're not a morning person, I'd challenge you to get up, even 10 or 15 minutes earlier.  It can change you!  I am already more calm than on days I don't get up because I'm getting up for my kids not to my kids.  Think about it, I have filled my mind, first thing, with scripture and it resonates all day.  Seriously...it is a hard thing, but a good thing too!

Home

I've spent about 5+ years thinking about "home" and what it means.  Is my home my house?  Is it where I grew up?  Is it a city?  Is it a feeling?  Is it a comfort?  There are songs, stories, articles, and I'm pretty sure you could get some unsolicited advice on the subject of "home" as well.  For me, though, it is not an easy subject.

Take Phillip Phillips (who I'm a huge fan of, by the way).  In his song "Home" the lyrics say - 

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Let me give you a little background and tell you that I know the Lord speaks to me (often) through music.  When I first heard this song, it was as if God had grabbed my hand and spoke the words directly to me - about my life.  Every word of that chorus gave me hope that the Lord had not left me struggling but was going to work it all out.  (Like he always does but it appears my patience is not what I thought it was!)

Then, you have the song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 (also a big fan).  The chorus says this -

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

I hear this song and it speaks not just to my life, but to my soul.  If you are like me, you have this feeling like no matter what you do, this place on earth is still missing something.  It is missing Jesus!  It is not and will never truly be my home.  Let me tell you that I LONG for that home.  There are hard days and sad days and frustrating days that I just want to be there, in Heaven with Jesus because this life can be so hard.  Please don't read that to mean there are never happy, joyful, full of life days - there are plenty of those.  But it leaves me to wonder that if my life was always full of those good days, would I long for Heaven?

I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle (1st Corinthians 10:13).  I know that he loves me (Isaiah 43:4).  I know that I'm asked to always consider joy (James 1:2).  I know that the Lord, God of the Universe has overcome this world that I live in (John 16:33).  Why is it so hard to believe or do these things?

I have heard our christian radio station talking lately about having faith and man, do I feel like I need to have it right now.  I am having one of those days, today, where that is all I can do.  One of those days where I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me because I just don't even have the words to pray (Romans 8:26-27).  I was at Target this morning and rarely can I go in without running into at least 1 person but today I was on the phone as I shopped and told my friend on the other end that I wondered if the other people walking around were just putting on a mask.  I wonder if any of them wanted to scream along with me.  Why do we mask it?  Why is it not ok to say, "no, I'm really not ok today."  Some days are great and some days aren't but wouldn't this world be so much better if we all just took a step back and were real.

I know that many people have many dreams for our great country - dreams of equality for all, health care for all - and those aren't bad things but I think my dream for our country (or maybe just my city for now) is to take off the mask and be real!  Let it be ok to have a great day.  Let's celebrate when someone gets a promotion rather than being jealous.  Let's cry together when our kids are hurting or we are just having an awful day.  For the love, people, let's just be able to say this is the deal!  I'm not sure about you, but I want my home to be one where you can tell me anything and I won't be shocked!  I want people to walk in my home and not feel judged.  I want that.  That is my dream.  And (although I put some of it on the Internet) I am not great at doing this.  I still feel judged when I say something.  I feel like I can't measure up.  I feel like people are whispering about me when I walk into a room (as if I'm that interesting!).  So...I'm going to declare my home a place where masks come off and guards come down and we can just talk.  No being judged, no whispering, just real people making the most of this time on earth, in this home.

Letting Go

I've come to realize (in some ways, the hard way) that there is a whole bunch that I need to let go of.  I've always thought that by "dealing" on my own and not saying anything was best but once again the Lord has given me a good kick in the pants (lovingly, though).  I've got past hurts that deal with people, places, and probably things if I thought hard enough.  I can tell you where I was standing when someone made fun of my "monkey arms" in 7th grade.  I can tell you how, in college,  my dreams where changed because I took someone else's opinion of me rather than mine, or more importantly God's.  I can flash back to so many of these moments and relive them like I am in 7th grade all over again.

I'm starting a Captivating study next week (my 2nd one).  For those of you not familiar with it, it is a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge and if you let it, it will give you a good kick in the pants.  It is not an easy book to read as it challenges you to seek God and let him reveal some really uncomfortable parts of your life but at the same time, it is freeing and offers so much hope.  It talks about God's great story for your life.  This is what excites me about doing the study again.  Don't get me wrong, it will wreck you.  It is hard.  It is challenging.  It is life giving.  I learned that the whispers weren't me.  Those voices were all wrong.  I matter.  I am important.  God made me who I am for a specific purpose.  My hope this time around is to discover more of that purpose and to reveal more of how God sees me.

I am both excited and terrified of doing this study again, because it will definitely be a time to draw close to God and listen but it will also wreck me.  You could read the book on your own and say, "Wow, that was really good" or "Wow, that was really awful."  You have to decide whether you're going to be all in or not.  (And even if YOU decide not, God may have other plans for you.  Learned that one the hard way too!)

Anyway, this is basically a bunch of rambling.  I'll keep you posted about the study.  You may see one or more posts about being wrecked but hopefully there will be some posts about my great adventure as well!  God has some big things in store for 2013!