Stained Glass Masquerade

An old blog post from January 2010, but a good one so I thought I'd put it here.....

I was on my way to the car wash today and was listening to Casting Crown's Lifesong cd. One of the songs on the cd is called Stained Glass Masquerade and has a great message. As I was listening to it, it made me think of this great thing called grace. It is nothing that we can earn but freely given by God. The hang up I have is that we often don't have grace with other people which makes us hide inside ourselves. We don't want other people to know what is going on because what would they think. She wouldn't be my friend if she knew this, they won't want us around because my kid doesn't do this. There is a trap we find ourselves in because we are so worried about what other people will think - because we don't give each other grace.

The fact is, we all have issues and baggage and we all could benefit from grace. Why is it that we are SO afraid to show other's our weaknesses? We are so concerned with not being accepted because we don't accept others. The chorus of Stained Glass Masquerade goes like this:

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

As I was listening it just hit me like a ton of bricks. We totally put walls around our weaknesses because if someone saw they would think less of us. Then, we slap on a smile like everything is ok. It goes back to putting others first, I think. If I can truly put that other person before myself, maybe then I'll give a little grace. In turn, maybe my defenses will come down...just a thought!

If you struggle with opening up and giving grace, you need to read the book "Bo's Cafe." Three great guys, who will openly admit that they don't have it together and have messed up, wrote it. There is just a great message about finding grace and trusting people with yourself. Hard, I know, because how many of us have been let down by someone we've trusted. But people are human, which means we sin, which means we'll be let down. It's part of the ride. What we do in response is what will define us. Think back to the beginning. God made Adam and wanted him to have a partner. He then created Eve. We were designed to be in communion with other people. God wants us to rely on others, to both be called and call people to the carpet when something isn't right. That's what Jesus did. Check out the gospels if you haven't in a while.

I guess what I'm getting at in all this rambling is that God has given us grace. We have done nothing to deserve it, so why don't we pass it along? How hard is it to cut someone some slack, especially knowing that you're going to need the same thing in a hour. Once we begin to give grace, then maybe we tear down our walls and let someone in. When we truly let them in, we are living how God wanted us to...and how amazing would that be!?!

The War Wages On...

I have had a huge internal battle to fight for a while now.  I LONG for home, for family.  It has been a battle that I've had to fight for 5 years.  I have a love/hate relationship with Indiana and what it means for our family.  It's a great place, despite the grey winters.  People are nice, schools are good.  The job is great.  Yet, with all of those positives, I just miss my family.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  Today I find myself wanting to compare myself to others who get to do things with their families all the time (and by all the time, I mean once a month).  I had a last minute opportunity to see my family yet A's travel schedule didn't allow it.  I want to yell and scream and be really angry and say why?!?!?  Why can't it just work out...once?  I want to play the victim.  I want to curl up in a ball on my couch and cry.  I don't want to do laundry or make dinner.  I just want to cry.

I was reminded yesterday while doing a Beth Moore study on James, that I am to "consider it pure joy" when trials and problems come my way. (James 1:2)  If I do this, I'll develop perseverance.  (Right now, I don't want perseverance.  I want to see my parents.)  In our conversation about this section someone reminded me that we have to make a choice.  Ultimately it is my choice - I can play the victim or I can plug away and know that despite what I feel, I am blessed.  I'm breathing today.  My family is healthy.  A has a job.  We can pay our bills.  Yes, I am blessed.  But why is this choice so hard?  I'll admit that I've gotten angry with God today and I am so thankful that he is a God who can handle my rants.  I don't understand why I have this longing if it is going to go unmet - or at least unmet in my eyes.  It is hard and I don't want to make the choice to consider this joy, but I am trying.  I am desperately trying.

Today, my relationship with God is minute to minute.  I've been in constant conversation.  I've been seeking.  My choice right now is to keep seeking because that is the only way I can see that the joy could seep in.  I am going to ask God for some clarity.  I've prayed that this longing would go away and it hasn't.  Another nugget from James - "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:6)  What I cling to from that is that God gives generously WITHOUT finding fault.  He can handle my rants and when I ask he will answer despite all my failings.  James goes on to say, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  (James 1:7)  I wonder how much we miss because we don't fully trust and believe when we ask.  I wonder what I have missed.  And what am I missing now?  For my human brain it is hard sometimes to believe that I'm going to get an answer because I can't fathom what that answer might be or I get discouraged that the answer will not come within my time line.  (Especially in this scenario.)  But I need some wisdom.  So, my choice for this moment is to ask and believe that God will answer.  Something that looks so easy, is so hard for me.

If you get a chance, will you pray that I find contentment here?  Will you pray that my Indiana Funk will leave and not return?  Thanks!  I'd love to be able to pray for you - all 5 who are reading it! :)  Let me know how I can.  Leave a comment, send me an email, whatever...I'd like to be able to pray for you.  Oh, and if you get a chance, start reading James.  He doesn't mess around!

A Call to Responsibility

First, let me begin that this post is by NO means a political post. It is by NO means meant to have any political bearing. Don't bash me because of what I say. Don't misinterpret what this post is saying. I'm calling on EVERYONE to take responsibility for their actions!

I have been thinking about this one for a LONG time. I have noticed and increasing lack of taking responsibility for one's actions the past few months. There is always a "but" followed by an excuse of why things haven't gone your way. I have noticed it more with the presidential election coming up.

Let's take the president, for example. Of course, he is going to be attacked on his record for the last 3.5 years in office. Whether he were a republican or democrat, it is just how elections go. The other side is trying to find fault with what you've done or not done in order to sway votes to their side. This is NOT something new, nor is what I'm about to say. Please, President Obama, take some responsibility! You inherited a crappy economy, and wars that were years old, we get it. We were there too. You made some serious promises 4 years ago and let's just face the facts that you didn't get the majority of it done. Let's stop blaming former President Bush and pony up to say, the job was harder than you thought. I get you need another 4 years, but I'd have a lot more respect for you if you didn't continue to lay blame on everyone else. The fact is, you aren't giving my children or even yours a strong example of what taking responsibility is. I truly believe that every president inherits something crappy from the previous one. But let's put our big kid undies on and do the job we're supposed to do rather than blaming others.

We don't have to look far to find a celebrity who is blaming someone else for their fall. The pressure was too much, etc. To this, I say, Really? Like none of us regular folk experience pressure. Listen, you chose to be in the lime light - you take it and know you're being watched by millions or you explode under the pressure. I get that it is hard, life is hard, but what you do with it is your choice. No one put the drink and the keys in your hand and if you did make stupid choices, say that you made stupid choices. Let's take a little responsibility for our actions.

I'm not at all saying that I am innocent in all of this. I want to get mad and blame others too (most of the time my husband, sorry A!) but I am trying really hard not to because my children are watching me. They are doing what I do. They are saying what I say. They are little sponges, soaking it all up and then waiting for your next move. I am actively trying not to lose my patience at the end of the day of yet another single parent week. I am trying to say, yep, I forgot or yep, that was my fault. The most humbling thing you can do is to apologize to your child and ask for their forgiveness. Wow! You soften yourself to them, you become even more of a real person, and they see that everyone messes up. But in that moment of messing up, I could chose to say it's because you kids are driving me nuts and I have a huge headache and dishes piled up in the sink, or, I could simply say "I'm sorry, forgive me."

You know, Jesus taught forgiveness like no one else. He was there, being nailed to a cross, enduring the insults from the soldiers and passers by. Luke 23:34 gives Jesus' reply, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Wow! Jesus didn't need to take responsibility for any wrong doing as he was perfect. We however, are not, but can surely take this lesson in forgiveness.

There is always someone watching us, whether we are celebrities, politicians, or regular people. Students watch teachers, coworkers watch each other, children watch parents. We all watch celebrities and politicians. I know this will go nowhere other than the handful of people reading but I'm just asking that we all take some responsibility. And it isn't a bad thing to ask for forgiveness either. My kids are watching you and their future will be impacted by what you decide to do - are you going to lay blame or take the responsibility?

Epic Fail - UPDATE

Well, the first update I have is that my sweet little, R, scored her very first goal at her soccer game on Saturday! That was awesome and yes, this mama did get a little teary. I could see her confidence grow, it was amazing. On the way to the game, we had the "do your best" talk again and she told me how it bothered her that she wasn't as fast and didn't get to kick the ball. You better believe we talked through that one and she saw the results! It was awesome. I think I wanted to run across the field yelling, "GGGOOOAAALLL!" Seriously, awesome!

Onto the next part of the update, the one where I'm supposed to be shaking my glass up so it is always just full - yeah, another fail. We had some great people over from work on Saturday night. I mean, we all really enjoy these people and their kids - not many people can say the genuinely like the people they work with - A can. Anyway, there were a handful of people that hadn't been to the house before and said we had a beautiful house...yeah, you can see this one coming, can't you? My response, "Thanks, but..." or "Thanks" followed by the sigh of the century. How silly of me! (And by silly, you know what I mean.) Really?!?!? I wanted to kick my own you-know-what. I do have a beautiful house. I have a house that is warm in the winter, cool in the summer, has more rooms that we need, houses all of our stuff, and we can pay for. What is my deal? (In my somewhat of a defense, when you live somewhere, you see all the imperfections every day so I'm sure that transferred, still, no excuse.)

So, basically, I'm still working on that one. That's really all I can say. I have a knack for saying, "Thanks" followed by an excuse, apology, or the word "but" and it is a hard habit to break. Why do I feel the need to apologize for the incredibly dry, not so tasty cake - pretty sure people will come back again. (This post is about to take a turn...) My expectations for myself are high. My job is my kids, my house, being Suzy Homemaker so when I feel like I fail, I'm hard on myself which transfers to a half empty glass. (Wow, a breakthrough - this really is cheaper than therapy although laying on a couch sounds great! :)

We're plugging along...one day at a time. Still really needing the Lord to hold me through all of this. If I have his vision, I won't need a glass to shake up.

Parenting Epic Fail #1978

Yes, I said 1978 (at least) one for every day of my sweet girl's life. I am sure there are more and I am sure I've done some permanent damage already. (And with that I am SO thankful that God redeems us!!!) Yesterday was a rough soccer practice.

Let's just say neither the husband or I are particularly thrilled about soccer. Probably me less than him because well, I never played soccer. Never had an interest, wasn't into "contact" sports. Soccer is enough contact that it kept me away and I stuck primarily to softball. When she said last spring that she wanted to play soccer, we spent over a month making darn sure that she REALLY wanted to play soccer. (Last year, 1 week into an 8 week season, she said she didn't like it because it was too much running.) She never backed down and insisted she was game for another season. (Keep in mind this one was much longer and requires a practice and game per week rather than both at the same time on a Sat. morning.) First practice was not great but also fell on the first day of kindergarten so I was a little more understanding about the ginormous melt down that occurred with 30 minutes left.

Fast forward, we've had 6 practices but only 1 game so far and I'm thinking she likes soccer a little more than last year but by what margin, not sure. Last night we sat an watched while she pulled her shorts up (high enough for everyone to see underneath them), chewed on her shirt and sucked on her fingers. Keep in mind that all of this was happening instead of watching the ball. All in all, it was rough. She always says she has a good time but she doesn't appear to be having a lot of fun so I'm not sure. As I drove her home and she started talking, it seemed that everything that came out of her mouth was negative. She can complain and whine with the best of them but when I asked her if there was a time that she didn't complain, a time when she was really happy, she referenced playing outside as a family 2 weeks ago. Really?!?

I wanted to say, "What's wrong with you? How did you get this way?" And then, in a still, small voice, God said, "are you modeling it?" Ouch. Epic parenting fail #1978. Ouch.

I don't consider myself to be a negative, glass half empty person, those people bug me. I guess I consider myself to be a realist. If you ask me how I am, I'm likely to give you the truth or at least part of it. If you ask me about my kitchen, I'm going to point out everything I don't like about it (and how I could spend thousands to fix it). If you ask me how I'm liking IN, I'm going to be honest that it's not been my favorite place to live although the people are nice. So, all these answers (depending on how my day is going) can be seen as negative and deep down, I am thankful for my life, I am thankful I have a kitchen because it is nice and my stove works, and I'm thankful my husband has a job he likes and I can stay at home. Those just aren't the things that surface, unfortunately. So I guess maybe this does make me one of those people that bug me. Ouch.

See, having a child is like looking in the mirror but often times the reflection you see is everything you do wrong. The older she gets, the clearer the reflection becomes - and I'm not liking what I see. This parenting thing is a rough gig! At the same time, to take the glass half full approach, it is an awesome gig because I have that reflection now, while she is still young enough that we could change the course.

There are numerous references in the Bible about giving thanks and being thankful yet for some reason, I have opted out. I mean, I give thanks when I am praying and when I am talking with God but I'm not great at doing it in my every day living. (And again I say ouch. Writing these words sting.) I've even read the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is an incredible book about being thankful and how it can absolutely transform us. And it has transformed me, but I guess only a little.

Time to get back to it. To "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18) And I will "give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever." (Psalm 136:1) And I will give thanks because "every good and perfect gift is from above." (James 1:17) It is time that I take Titus 2:7 to heart and "in everything set them an example by doing what is good."

In short, I really am a thankful person. I can see how God has blessed my life and my family's. I can see His divine hand prints in my life through people or circumstances but I am not sharing this thanks. I am not running with it. I am not being the example my daughter needs. Kids will do as they see, so I need to seriously change my course if I expect hers to change as well. (Both of the littles need this example!) Please ask me how I'm doing. I know I will have rough days and I know there will be times I complain, so I ask for your grace, but I ask for you to hold me accountable as there are lives that need this example from me that are worth far more than my own! My prayer is that the Lord will hold me while I attempt to spread these new wings - the ones that don't get used quite as often. I'm so thankful that my God keeps his promises.

"If You Want Me To"

I don't really listen to my CD's anymore so there are many songs there were my favorites, that were played on repeat, that I've just forgotten about. That is why I'm thankful for Pandora. Just plug in an artist or genre and your set. I've heard a few songs that fall into the previously talked about category thanks to the iPad and Pandora. Today, as I was baking, one of those came on. Ginny Owens, "If You Want Me To." One of my all time favorite songs...just listen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OO0vf16iJA&feature=related

An Argument for Home Schooling

Yesterday I almost yanked my sweet girl out of school to home school her.

Let me start by saying I firmly believe that home schooling is the best option for some and there are parents who are meant to home school their kids. I am not one of them. My girl needs someone else to direct her learning. I am more than happy to use my former teacher skills with homework and many other things but there would be some arguing, some laughing, but many tears shed if I were to home school her. (Just being a realist here.)

With that being said, I was ready to throw all my "I know this isn't a good idea" thoughts out the window and bring her home to her mama! The transition to kindergarten has been rough. I anticipated the tiredness and her hearing things we'd rather not have her hear. She has a natural attitude as she thinks she was born much earlier than the date on her birth certificate. (I try to remind her that the date is correct...I was there, I remember.) This attitude needs to be tamed at times but it is what makes her my girl. It is was drives her to learn. It is what makes her unique and quirky. It is what has given her the vocabulary and the verbal skills she has. This attitude has grown.

Yesterday when her always kind, never rambunctious (HA!) younger brother smacked her in the face she gave him a look that could kill and said "I hate him when he does that." In my head I was thinking, "oh no you didn't!" Shockingly, I remained calm (100% because my neighbor and her sweet boy were sitting in the office with us) and said "excuse me?" because surely I hadn't heard her correctly. And then like she was rehearsing a play came those seven words again, followed by a "we don't say that and you need to go to your room" from her mama.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!! At that very moment I thought, I'm done. I was a public school teacher and am all for a public education but my girl is staying home. (Keep in mind that this was not the first thing that she has said since starting school.) Right here was the argument for home schooling. I could do it. I taught kids to read and write. I've got most of my teacher things in the basement. I was all over this.

After a conversation and an explanation of why we don't use the word "hate" she was forced to pick up her toys (GASP!) before she could do anything else. I called my mama and cried to her. I said, "I knew at one point I would have to fight for my kids but never realized it would come so soon."

That is how I feel. I have to fight for my kids. And the only way I know how is to pray and let the Lord hold me. I prayed as I checked on her before going to bed last night. I prayed as I crawled into bed. I prayed as she got dressed. I prayed as we walked to the bus. I wanted God to impart on me some wise words to pass to her before she left for school. What I heard was give her a kiss and tell her you love her. So that is what I did. I gave her a kiss, told her to have a great day, and told her I loved her.

You see, when she was born, I was incredibly thankful that she was healthy. I knew she was a gift and I knew she didn't belong to me. She was the Lord's and he was entrusting me to bring her up to know him. I've known this with both of my kids for their whole lives, but this is the first time where I don't have all the control. I am having to send her off where her teacher is in control and with 25 kids in a class, there is no way she can monitor everything that is said in the classroom or on the playground. I pray that she is a kind, compassionate little girl who learns who Jesus is and desires to have a relationship with him. I have always prayed that the Lord would start speaking to my kids now so that when he called them, they would know his voice and answer. This is my prayer. I am not in control, the Lord is. He is with her all day. He will guide her but I have to let her go and trust. I have to let God hold my sweet girl up just like he holds me. It's a promise he's made to all of us.

It's bittersweet. I am amazed at the lessons I am learning and humbled that I am being taught them by my creator but the mama in me wants to bring her home and hold her tight. I want to keep my littles in a bubble forever! God's got the bubble, not me.

If you are like me and the start of this school year has been rough, I'm praying for you! My prayer is that we can all allow God to hold us by the right hand just as he has promised and know that he is holding our kids too!

I know...random title

I know, I know. "Being Help Up" is a random title for a blog, but hear me out. I am not talking bank robbery or being physically held up. I am talking about God, holding me up, because there is NO way I could do this life on my own and I am repeatedly learning that lesson. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." That is what "Being Held Up" is.
For me, writing is therapy. I write much better than I speak because I am a thinker. If you are a quick thinker, I would not win a verbal argument with you because I have to think. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have many different things or topics that are weighing on me to write about. I want to write. I want to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I might offend some and might send some running although my purpose is not to do so. I am writing for myself and to get some clarity on the lessons God is teaching me. I am self examining. I am rebuilding. I am being held up.
If you want to stick around and read with me, great! I am hoping to publish on a regular basis. If you like it, awesome. If you don't, that's ok too. Life is a journey and right now it is interesting and challenging to say the least. Join me in letting the God of the universe, the God who created each of us just as he wanted, hold us up.
(And if you don't believe in the God that can hold you up, call me. I have some amazing stories!)