My Thoughts...

I'm stressed.  I am seeing in in what I eat (ice cream, popcorn, and how about a coke to go with it), I am seeing it in how I sleep (waking up with a clenched jaw and stiff neck), and I'm seeing it in my skin (I haven't broken out this much since high school).  Bottom line, I'm stressed and I have no good reason to be.

Yes, I have yet to start making R's tutu for her princess pirate Halloween costume but the laundry is done, everyone is fed and bathed each day and I am (albeit slowly) crossing things off my list.  But why have a list?  As a mom, there is a perpetual to do list.  Maybe I should just create and post it in my house so I am not wasting paper re-writing the same things over and over.  But never mind the list - there is still stress to deal with...

In my perfect little world, I would wake up every morning, spend at least 30 minutes with the Lord, exercise for an hour, be showered and ready to go before my kids woke up.  That puts my wake up time at about 4 am.  This is doable but then to get enough sleep I have to go to bed by 8 pm, shortly after my kids.  There is such an unbalance here and I'm just not sure it will ever be balanced, at least not in the years my kids are in the house.

If I am honest with myself, part of the stress comes from the pressure I put on myself to do and be everything.  I am the baker, the chef, the nurse, the maid, the accountant, the plumber, the handyman, the teacher, and the list goes on.  A friend of mine sent me a link to the "Time-Warp Wife" blog and in it, she quotes Donna Ball, At Home on Lady Bug Farm -

"Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."

Not sure where you are in this motherhood journey but I am recalling the HUGE meltdown my kids and I had on Saturday afternoon where the neighbors 2 miles away could have heard me and everyone was in tears.  So that is where forgiving myself comes in because all I hear is how royally I messed up and how maybe I should throw in the towel on this stay at home mom job and get a different one.  I am hearing the lies that I'm not good enough, that what I'm doing is not important.  No one person is telling me these things, don't worry.  I hear them as I replay conversations or I hear them delivered in stories through the media or in someone claiming women's rights.  I don't believe we live in a country with overwhelming support for the stay at home mom.  I personally, am very lucky to be surrounded either by moms that stay at home and get it, or moms that work and get it (or at least they pretend to).  Let me be very clear to say that this job - raising my kids, being in the trenches all day every day, making 3 meals a day, cleaning all day, hearing the whining and melt downs all day long, not getting a moment to yourself - this job is the hardest I've ever had.  The thing is, I want to do this job.  Sure, there are days that would be SO much easier to go back to work - the sitter or teacher would have to deal with the whining, I'd get to go to the bathroom by myself, and I could afford to hire someone to clean my house.  Sounds like a dream but it isn't mine.

I am blessed to stay at home with my kids.  I know that I am one of many women who are in the trenches and could swap stories about poop on the walls or dreams about using the bathroom alone.  I love this life.  I love to make bread for my family.  I love to do their laundry.  I love to stop and play trains in the middle of the day.  I love to curl up and read books.  So with all of this love and being blessed stuff, why am I stressed?  Because of the voices - the one that says no one appreciates me.  The one that says I messed it up again.  The one that says I'll never measure up.  The voice of Satan that just keeps coming back at me.

This is the part where I am thankful that my God is bigger than him.  My God is bigger than the newspaper articles and snide Facebook comments.  My God is bigger than me.  It's about time I claimed that one.  I heard a pastor say that how you pray is a direct reflection of your view of God.  Think about it...what are you praying for?  It's high time I pray for the big things, the bold things, the transformational things.  It's time to let God get bigger and squeeze everything else out.  I am tired of hearing the lies.  I am tired of trying to measure up.  It just isn't worth it.  We've got to stop comparing birthday parties and recipes and we've got to stop sizing each other up...because if you're honest, you've probably done it just like I have.  As moms, we have to stop striving for perfection and start talking.  We need to meet to get coffee and just pray - for our husband, for our kids, for our countries and for each other.  I will most definitely open my home to anyone who wants to meet to pray.  I am tired of feeling stressed and feeling like I don't measure up and if you are too, lets start over! I'll be praying for you and your family and yes, I am absolutely serious about getting together to pray!

Leavin' on a Jet Plane...

Someone in my house is, but it isn't me...

I was all set, ready to tackle the week with strength and determination and then the smallest one in my house came down with a fever last night.  Let's just say, there has been a lot of whining today and I slept on his floor last night.  I am sure it is just some virus he picked up somewhere in our travels but it just adds an element of "yuck" to the week.

So, I am buckling down tonight.  I am going to do the dishes (because let's face it, waking up to a clean kitchen is awesome!) and re-read what James has been telling me.  I am prepared to chose this week.  I am going to chose joy.  I know I'll have to work hard on this and it will be a fight at times, because I really would like to be the one on that jet plane (even though flights have already been canceled and delayed and the arrival time has been pushed back about 8 hours).  I would take that time in the airport because it would be by myself.  (And here's where my mom guilt plays in...)  I LOVE being home with my kids, but having a "break" even if that break were work, sounds delightful at times.  Ugh...I do not love that I just put that in print.  It seems like my "other side of the door days" have been happening more lately.  Not sure if I really just need to be gone with no responsibility for a while (which really is the case) or what, but I can tell there is going to be an internal battle this week.  It is going to be a knock down, drag out fight, but with the supernatural strength that God can give, I'm good.  I know in the times where all I can do is utter his name, he will be there to pick me up and fight for me.

I am not only going to chose joy, but I am going to chose to be thankful.  It might sound like, "I'm thankful for indoor plumbing" some days but hey, it is something to be very thankful for!  I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes I let my circumstances get the best of me and fall to the complaining.  I am going to try so hard this week to chose joy and thanksgiving.  Oy...here goes nothing!!!

Balance

(I'm going to bear my soul, my faults.  Grace would be good right now.  Thanks!)

I am not a person of balance.  I am either all in or all out.  I have a million projects in my head (house warming gifts, Halloween costumes, behavior charts, etc) but nothing gets done until my house is clean.  My house doesn't get clean because I physically can't clean it in a day when I have little hands around.  Take my kids for a solid day or 2 and I may even have clean baseboards.  I used to have clean baseboards.  That was in a smaller house, before my kids came along.  I heard someone say that cleaning with kids is like shoveling in a snow storm.  I'd say that is incredibly accurate!

I am a perfectionist, but some may not see that about me (especially if you were at my house today, just ask my neighbor who dropped his son off this morning...).  Here's the problem with that - it provides me no balance.  I want the whole house clean, so instead of starting to clean, I do the dishes and feel like I've failed because I can't get it all done.  My entire life has been spent feeling like I'm not enough, that I don't measure up.  This perfectionism stuff, doesn't help.  I'm sure you see the cycle coming, but let me spell it out for you...house needs to be cleaned, start but frustrated that it won't be done in a day, feel like a complete failure, in a slump, house gets worse.  You see?

If I were to really break it down, Satan gets right in there and whispers that it can't be done.  That I'm no good, that I will just end up failing again, disappointing my husband once again.  (He likes a clean house but let's face it, so do I!)  It is vicious and he could probably tell you stories of how I've projected my view of myself onto him.  (Makes for a LONG night of conversation and probably some tears on my part.)  All in all, it is just not pretty.

Here's the thing.  I KNOW that I am worth something.  The God of the Universe sent his only son to die for my sins.  He knew I wasn't going to be perfect.  Not ever.  It isn't in my DNA to be perfect, it isn't in any of our make up.  Why is there this fierce competition (especially between women)?  For example, I have to be honest that I think that my chocolate chip cookies are better than anyone else's, but who cares?!  Because it gives me an extra star on my stay-at-home-mom badge?  Come on, we are all sinners.  We all fail.  We can't all make the perfect chocolate chip cookie.  Maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself and I could dismiss those voices if I wasn't constantly trying to "live up" to something.  Maybe it's Martha Stewart that I'm trying to be, but I'm pretty sure someone cleans her house.

I am just me.  Just Katy.  I am exactly who God created me to be.  I am exactly where God wants me to be.  I am His.  He said, I want her in my family.  The thing is...clean house or not, I am in!  It may be the only time in my life that I am in the "in crowd" but it is the most important time.

So for me, what it comes down to is a little more grace, which I believe will lead to a little more balance.  I need to be all in with God.  I need to be all in as a wife and mother.  If I'm all in there but I have stacks (and stacks and stacks) of papers on my counter, that's ok.  Grace.  Sometimes we overlook the need to give ourselves grace.  I'll be working on my balance today, and giving myself some grace as well.  I officially have 2 hours to get some serious cleaning done in my house (I'm not kidding, the health department is going to shut me down) and I intend to use every second of it.  However, when that 2 hours is up, I will be happy with my progress because isn't that what life is...progress.  God doesn't ask me to be perfect, but he does ask me to be a little better every day.  Here's to grace, balance, and progress!

Consider it pure what???

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

-James 1:2

Here's what I'd like to say lately.  I don't WANT to consider it pure joy.  To be quite honest, it is painful and lonely and far from joyful.  In the Beth Moore "James" study (which, by the way is amazing if you haven't heard me say that before) she says this, "We have to take responsibility for setting out our own bait and biting it, too.  While the Bible by no means absolves Satan in this process, in this one vital spot we're forced to reckon with our sinful selves alone.  Once I realized the problem was in me and not just around me or done to me, I knew Jesus was my only hope.  He alone can change us from the core."

There is SO much in that section of the study that I love but the thing that hit me, that was (somewhat) new was that in this case, there was no one to blame.  I have the choice.

There is a saying I'm sure we're all familiar with - "the devil made me do it," and how many times have we seen cartoons with the angel on one side and the devil on the other competing with each other.  This time, there is no devil on my shoulder.  Sure, he makes things in my day MUCH harder (say, a non-napping 2 year old that is an absolute mess by 4pm), but it is my choice to take the joy route.

Let's look at the word, "consider."  Merriam Webster defines it this way, "to think carefully, to regard or treat in an attentive or kindly way, to gaze on steadily or reflectively."  This word requires thought.  When I take that definition and read, "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds," I am being asked to think about the joy within the trials.  What?  Human nature does not lend itself to this task.  Human nature says, "this is crap."  "I don't deserve this."  "Why me?"  But then, human nature is sinful.

James is asking us to think like Jesus.  Jesus would point out the joy in the situation.  Jesus would say, "you get all those sweet, wonderful moments with your kids."  Jesus would say, "you now don't take your family for granted."  Jesus would say, "you're learning to lean and rely solely on me."

Maybe that is part of it.  Maybe we need to slow down and really seek God to know what the joy is even in these seemingly awful situations.  I know that it is easier said that done and I know so many of you are facing things that are miles beyond my traveling husband and homesickness.  I don't know how we find joy in some situations.  I don't know how we find joy when the world around us is caving in and it feels like we are in the fight of our life.  I don't know other than to seek.  Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  I don't know about you but when I feel like I am drowning, I seek with all of my heart.  I know God is there.  I know he is listening.  But I have to choose to listen.  He is telling me to consider it joy, to find the joy in a crappy situation, a horrible diagnosis, a situation I can't even begin to understand.  He's there and I know he's willing to walk with me but I have to make the choice.  I can't say that the devil made me do it.  It is up to me.  I was given free will, I need to use it.  I need to consider, I need to think.  I need to seek and I need to offer thanks as I find the joy.