Work in Progress

I should wear a hard hat every day these days.  I am definitely a work in progress and definitely under construction.  The thing is, when you are close to something, you don't always see the change.

I have a sweet, sweet friend who've I've known for some time now.  We met at a totally different time in both our lives.  She was pregnant with her first and we were years from having kids.  We weren't instant best friends but over the years, she's grown into someone that I trust with all of me.  I can tell her anything and know that she is not judging me or going to someone else and telling them what I've said. She is the best kind of friend you can find.

We don't live in the same city anymore, or state for that matter, so we don't get to talk as often as I'd like.  The thing is, when we do talk, it is like not a day has gone by.  We, of course catch up on kids (she has 3, I have 2) and husbands and life in general, but there is something about her that I can divulge my deepest, darkest struggles and pains, and she listens.  It takes a special friend to do that.

Well, today I got to talk to her for a long time.  We get to see each other in a week, so we were making plans for massages and facials but then talked about the nitty gritty of life.  (We're going to need Kleenex next weekend!)  I have to say that I'm so looking forward to sitting with someone, spending a weekend with a friend that will not just agree with me.  She will challenge me, as she did today, call me out (nicely), speak truth.  She sent me a sweet message after we spoke and told me that she can see a change in me - a change in my heart.  That circumstances didn't always seem to change, but my reaction to them had.  It was what I needed to hear today.  God knew that.  I'm pretty sure he ordained the phone call and gave Will a little extra listening power so I didn't have to yell and scream when I was on the phone.  I knew there was some work being done but like I said early, I couldn't see it.

I wrote her back and said this,

"I will definitely take that as a compliment. I feel different but can't put my finger on it, but you did. I can see that in both of us. I think of conversations past and the tone, the outcome would have been different. Less faith, less trust, more trying to do it on our own. Wow. What a season - sometimes I feel like it has been one LONG winter.  So glad that God is there. That he is in it."

I added that I've spent a lot of time lately looking out - at my circumstances, that I am not looking in, at myself and what I need to do differently.  Sometimes it is SO easy to blame someone else that we neglect where we have gone wrong.  The need to be right, outweighs what is right.

So, I am still a work in progress.  I am so thankful for my sweet friend and her words to me - and that they came during a week I've been battling my insecurities.  My prayer is that I can continue to look in and up and just listen.  I'm still learning how to do this and I'll never be perfect at it but I'm working on it.

The Truck is Coming...

My friend, Corie, wrote a really great, heartfelt, and convicting blog post the other day.  You can read it here.  Not only does she have something great to say but she is so very eloquent in saying it. Not only should you keep reading this post, you should go and read hers (because she probably said it better than I will).

What really got me about her post was the story about Penn Jillette and his video blog post that you can see here.  He basically talks about a man who approached him after a show and gave him a Bible (or part of one) and goes on and on about what a good, nice, kind man this was.  What strikes me is when he talks about those of us who believe in heaven and hell and how we aren't saying anything to those around us who might not be headed to heaven - he says, "How much do you have to hate someone?"  I've got to tell you there are people that aren't easy for me to get a long with but that doesn't mean I want to see them spend eternity in hell.  He also talks about a truck.  If there was a truck coming and it was going to hit you, I would push you out of the way to save your life.  This analogy really hit home to me - like, plane terms, wow, I never thought of it that way - hit home.

So, here's what I have to say.  I'm sorry if I've never said anything to you.  To be honest I haven't said a lot to anyone.  Why?  Well, mostly because I thought my actions would show someone the love of Jesus and they'd just ask me.  Let's be honest though - I'm not perfect (nor do I claim to be).  I'm going to mess up as is every other Christian you'll meet.  None of us are perfect and we all have our struggles and demons.  Another reason?  Because I'm afraid.  Seriously, lame excuse.  I guess I've felt indirectly attacked for my conservative, Bible based beliefs so I was afraid.  I see what society says about people like me so I've hunkered down and kept to myself.  Well, here's where I say I care too much about what happens to you to be afraid.  God is alive and well.  He gave the greatest gift of all, his son, so that we all could spend eternity with him in Heaven - a place where there is no crying, no pain, no fear - picture bliss, true happiness.

If you've gone to church even once in your life, you've probably heard or read John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  God sent Jesus to save us.  You have to believe in Jesus, and hopefully if you celebrate Christmas you do.  He's the reason we celebrate, right?

If you've got that step, the next is to just start talking to him.  Get to know Jesus.  Read about him.  If you don't have a bible and want one, I'll get you one - please ask!  John 10:9 says "I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved."  Despite what many may say or believe, Jesus is the only way to heaven.  If you have decided that you do believe that Jesus is the way then ask him to take up residence in you, start a relationship with him - a real, personal, relationship.  He doesn't want what you think you should say, he wants you - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  He will fill you and that hole inside of you if you'll let him.  He will begin to change your life from the inside out.

One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11-13, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  So here's one of the things about being a Christian - it doesn't mean your life is going to be a cake walk, but it does mean you have someone to walk with you and carry you when it gets difficult.  Everyone faces problems, trials, periods of time where nothing seems to go right.  God knows it and he'll help you through it.  He doesn't promise it will be easy though.  The bold part is the best because it assures us, when we seek God, we will find him!  He won't hide!

Ok, so let me try to bring this one to a close...if you are someone who doesn't believe in God, what if you're wrong?  Why not give the God thing a try for a month?  I mean, really give it a try, start praying every day for 30 days.  Prayers don't have to be rehearsed or elaborate.  Consider it a conversation.  Tell him what you did that day, what bothered you, what your fears are, what you're thankful for.  Write in a journal for the month and see if anything changes.  If nothing in your life changes, then you can go about your normal routine (but I'll still be praying for you).  What if something does change, though?  You'll never know if you don't try.

If you do believe in God and feel like you don't know where to go, talk to me or someone else.  Head to your friend's church on Sunday.  You have someone who will talk to you and offer help.  Like my friend, Corie said, I can't guarantee that we'll have all the answers but we'll try.  Please, the truck is coming at some point and I don't want you to get hit!  I am saying this because I love you and your life depends on it.

Fake it till you make it...

This was what our sermon was about at church this morning.  Well, kind of.  You see, our pastor was quick to point out that we try to fake it, hoping that we'll become whatever or change our circumstances but now that I think about it, that's kind of like putting a text book under your pillow and hoping the information transfers before the final.  Doesn't necessarily make sense.  Really.  Think about it.  Any significant change you want to make has to be done from the inside out.  I want to lose 10 pounds.  I can tell myself to look away from the Halloween candy but my inside my mind is a conversation of reason and it makes sense.  I can put the Insanity DVD under my pillow but it doesn't mean I'll have flatter abs in the morning.  I've got to change my mind - the inside.

Our pastor gave 2 reasons why people lie or tell the truth and those reasons are the same...fear and pride.  Think about it, at some level we lie because we're afraid of what others will think and in turn our pride is damaged.  On the other hand, we tell the truth because we're afraid of the consequences and our pride needs a little boost.  Either way you slice it, I think fear plays a huge role.  I wrote down a few things I was thinking about at church this morning so hopefully I can make sense of it for you now.

At the root of trying to fake it, we are hiding something.  We are trying to hide the fact that we aren't ok.  Guess what...I probably already know that about you just like you probably know it about me (especially if you read this).  So seriously, let's drop the act.  Lose the mask.  Pony up.  Stop faking it.  Whichever you prefer let's just do it.

We were encouraged to really seek God to figure out an area in our lives where we are trying to fake it until we make it.  For me, it is trying to be mother of the year.  Yes, I bake and I cook, but I am constantly trying to keep the house clean and picturing others in the same situation with freshly mopped floors, dinner simmering away, playing a game of checkers with her kids while she waits, in her pearls, to greet her husband at the door.  Ok, yes, I've gone a little Donna Reed on you.  But honestly, that's who I'd like to be (minus the pearls).  And here's my newsflash...SHE'S FICTION!!!

So why can't I come to terms with my needing to pretend that I've got it together and am totally mother of the year???  I don't know!  Really, I know it's completely unrealistic.  I guess if I were to go back to fear and pride, I am afraid to fail at this.  I'm afraid that I'm not going to be good enough or my kids favorite. And the pride thing...yeah...if I'm not their favorite then I'm crushed.  Ok, so reality (aka God) tells me that I am the absolute perfect mom for those 2 little turkeys.  He gave them specifically to me because we're a good match.  Confession time...I'm not ok.  I'm quite literally buried in laundry and dishes with lunches to pack and cleaning to do.  So, no, I'm not great right now.  Here's the bright side...when I say those words, there is a HUGE weight lifted.  And now you know that if you come to my house tomorrow, you'll find laundry and dishes and definitely leave your white gloves at home!  But, you'll also find a whole lot of fun and laughter and really that is what matters.

I think if we all admitted we weren't ok and actually owned it (not just say it in your head, but out loud to someone else) we would be FREE!!  Isn't freedom what we want?  We've been fighting for it forever.  Women are super competitive and it's not doing anything good for any of us.  If we said those three words, "I'm not ok," imagine how less competitive we'd be and maybe, just maybe we'd like each other too!  We wouldn't be judging each other we'd be pitching in.  It's like the "come together" effect after a disaster.  People come out of the wood work when there is a need which is seen as "serious" - homes destroyed from tornadoes or hurricanes.  In Indy, there was a huge explosion which leveled a couple houses and damaged a whole lot more not to mention that 2 people lost their lives.  People were saying this morning, how can I help.  It is the human response, it is what God intended, for us to help each other out, it is the "come together" effect.

Here's where I think we miss the complete idea though...I do not believe that God only said help each other out when there's a HUGE crisis.  He said take care of your brother.  Help the elderly woman open her car door.  Your neighbor doesn't need money but needs your time.  We are not good at giving time.  We are selfish with our time and I am most definitely lumping myself into this "we."  Sometimes people need money and food and shelter and coats.  By no means am I suggesting that those things aren't important.  Everyone needs their most basic needs met, but what if we did more?

As Christians we need to stop faking it until we make it!  Jesus didn't say slap on a smile, go to church, and sleep with your bible under your pillow.  He said, "I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well." (John 14:6,7)  Jesus wants to fill the inside of us so he can change the outside.  I'll put myself out there with this one.  Since moving to Indiana there have been few days that I haven't at some point felt lonely but it isn't a bad thing because it has required me to make Jesus my companion.  I talk to him as if he is my friend sitting next to me.  Sadly, I was too busy faking that I liked Indiana (or trying and failing) to realize that Jesus was by my side waiting for me, waiting to change me from the inside.  I still don't love Indiana, it isn't home.  My family isn't here.  I don't know that I'll ever feel like it is 100% home but what I do know is that once I let Jesus in to change the inside, I don't have to fake it anymore.  It is a BEAUTIFUL thing! And, I am seeing the fruit of Jesus in my life.  I am less stressed about the laundry and mother of the year.  I am learning to say the dishes can wait but she's not going to, and so I color instead.  I am less concerned with changing my situation and more concerned with those around me.  Not just the big crises but the everyday things.  I'm not always going to be able to help and that's ok but man, I can pray my heart out and that is what I've been doing.  And please know that by no means am I trying to boost my pride.  This is hard.  It is hard to admit you're not ok, that like me you're buried, but the beauty of it is you're not alone.  There are days I get in God's way and those usually consist of a bag of candy and realtor.com - can you see where this one ends?  It's all a journey.  Sometimes flat, sometimes mountainous, sometimes icy, but what matters is that we keep moving.

I'm hoping that this all makes sense...once I get going I just go and who knows how it ends up.  I guess here's my challenge to you...talk to Jesus like he's sitting next to you.  Commit to it for a day, then try 3 days, then a week.  See if you begin changing from the inside.  And if you're not sure about this Jesus guy...you can still give it a try.  You can still talk to him because even though you're not sure about him...he's sure about you.  And, I know that I've not been great about answering comments or emails but please forgive me.  That was my total fail...it would irk me if I was you.  But, know that I do pray for you!  I've said it before but if you ever have questions about this Jesus guy or want to hear more of my story, I'd love to share.  He's the best thing that's ever happened to me!  And he wants to be the best thing that's ever happened to you!

My Thoughts...

I'm stressed.  I am seeing in in what I eat (ice cream, popcorn, and how about a coke to go with it), I am seeing it in how I sleep (waking up with a clenched jaw and stiff neck), and I'm seeing it in my skin (I haven't broken out this much since high school).  Bottom line, I'm stressed and I have no good reason to be.

Yes, I have yet to start making R's tutu for her princess pirate Halloween costume but the laundry is done, everyone is fed and bathed each day and I am (albeit slowly) crossing things off my list.  But why have a list?  As a mom, there is a perpetual to do list.  Maybe I should just create and post it in my house so I am not wasting paper re-writing the same things over and over.  But never mind the list - there is still stress to deal with...

In my perfect little world, I would wake up every morning, spend at least 30 minutes with the Lord, exercise for an hour, be showered and ready to go before my kids woke up.  That puts my wake up time at about 4 am.  This is doable but then to get enough sleep I have to go to bed by 8 pm, shortly after my kids.  There is such an unbalance here and I'm just not sure it will ever be balanced, at least not in the years my kids are in the house.

If I am honest with myself, part of the stress comes from the pressure I put on myself to do and be everything.  I am the baker, the chef, the nurse, the maid, the accountant, the plumber, the handyman, the teacher, and the list goes on.  A friend of mine sent me a link to the "Time-Warp Wife" blog and in it, she quotes Donna Ball, At Home on Lady Bug Farm -

"Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."

Not sure where you are in this motherhood journey but I am recalling the HUGE meltdown my kids and I had on Saturday afternoon where the neighbors 2 miles away could have heard me and everyone was in tears.  So that is where forgiving myself comes in because all I hear is how royally I messed up and how maybe I should throw in the towel on this stay at home mom job and get a different one.  I am hearing the lies that I'm not good enough, that what I'm doing is not important.  No one person is telling me these things, don't worry.  I hear them as I replay conversations or I hear them delivered in stories through the media or in someone claiming women's rights.  I don't believe we live in a country with overwhelming support for the stay at home mom.  I personally, am very lucky to be surrounded either by moms that stay at home and get it, or moms that work and get it (or at least they pretend to).  Let me be very clear to say that this job - raising my kids, being in the trenches all day every day, making 3 meals a day, cleaning all day, hearing the whining and melt downs all day long, not getting a moment to yourself - this job is the hardest I've ever had.  The thing is, I want to do this job.  Sure, there are days that would be SO much easier to go back to work - the sitter or teacher would have to deal with the whining, I'd get to go to the bathroom by myself, and I could afford to hire someone to clean my house.  Sounds like a dream but it isn't mine.

I am blessed to stay at home with my kids.  I know that I am one of many women who are in the trenches and could swap stories about poop on the walls or dreams about using the bathroom alone.  I love this life.  I love to make bread for my family.  I love to do their laundry.  I love to stop and play trains in the middle of the day.  I love to curl up and read books.  So with all of this love and being blessed stuff, why am I stressed?  Because of the voices - the one that says no one appreciates me.  The one that says I messed it up again.  The one that says I'll never measure up.  The voice of Satan that just keeps coming back at me.

This is the part where I am thankful that my God is bigger than him.  My God is bigger than the newspaper articles and snide Facebook comments.  My God is bigger than me.  It's about time I claimed that one.  I heard a pastor say that how you pray is a direct reflection of your view of God.  Think about it...what are you praying for?  It's high time I pray for the big things, the bold things, the transformational things.  It's time to let God get bigger and squeeze everything else out.  I am tired of hearing the lies.  I am tired of trying to measure up.  It just isn't worth it.  We've got to stop comparing birthday parties and recipes and we've got to stop sizing each other up...because if you're honest, you've probably done it just like I have.  As moms, we have to stop striving for perfection and start talking.  We need to meet to get coffee and just pray - for our husband, for our kids, for our countries and for each other.  I will most definitely open my home to anyone who wants to meet to pray.  I am tired of feeling stressed and feeling like I don't measure up and if you are too, lets start over! I'll be praying for you and your family and yes, I am absolutely serious about getting together to pray!

Leavin' on a Jet Plane...

Someone in my house is, but it isn't me...

I was all set, ready to tackle the week with strength and determination and then the smallest one in my house came down with a fever last night.  Let's just say, there has been a lot of whining today and I slept on his floor last night.  I am sure it is just some virus he picked up somewhere in our travels but it just adds an element of "yuck" to the week.

So, I am buckling down tonight.  I am going to do the dishes (because let's face it, waking up to a clean kitchen is awesome!) and re-read what James has been telling me.  I am prepared to chose this week.  I am going to chose joy.  I know I'll have to work hard on this and it will be a fight at times, because I really would like to be the one on that jet plane (even though flights have already been canceled and delayed and the arrival time has been pushed back about 8 hours).  I would take that time in the airport because it would be by myself.  (And here's where my mom guilt plays in...)  I LOVE being home with my kids, but having a "break" even if that break were work, sounds delightful at times.  Ugh...I do not love that I just put that in print.  It seems like my "other side of the door days" have been happening more lately.  Not sure if I really just need to be gone with no responsibility for a while (which really is the case) or what, but I can tell there is going to be an internal battle this week.  It is going to be a knock down, drag out fight, but with the supernatural strength that God can give, I'm good.  I know in the times where all I can do is utter his name, he will be there to pick me up and fight for me.

I am not only going to chose joy, but I am going to chose to be thankful.  It might sound like, "I'm thankful for indoor plumbing" some days but hey, it is something to be very thankful for!  I am blessed beyond measure but sometimes I let my circumstances get the best of me and fall to the complaining.  I am going to try so hard this week to chose joy and thanksgiving.  Oy...here goes nothing!!!

Balance

(I'm going to bear my soul, my faults.  Grace would be good right now.  Thanks!)

I am not a person of balance.  I am either all in or all out.  I have a million projects in my head (house warming gifts, Halloween costumes, behavior charts, etc) but nothing gets done until my house is clean.  My house doesn't get clean because I physically can't clean it in a day when I have little hands around.  Take my kids for a solid day or 2 and I may even have clean baseboards.  I used to have clean baseboards.  That was in a smaller house, before my kids came along.  I heard someone say that cleaning with kids is like shoveling in a snow storm.  I'd say that is incredibly accurate!

I am a perfectionist, but some may not see that about me (especially if you were at my house today, just ask my neighbor who dropped his son off this morning...).  Here's the problem with that - it provides me no balance.  I want the whole house clean, so instead of starting to clean, I do the dishes and feel like I've failed because I can't get it all done.  My entire life has been spent feeling like I'm not enough, that I don't measure up.  This perfectionism stuff, doesn't help.  I'm sure you see the cycle coming, but let me spell it out for you...house needs to be cleaned, start but frustrated that it won't be done in a day, feel like a complete failure, in a slump, house gets worse.  You see?

If I were to really break it down, Satan gets right in there and whispers that it can't be done.  That I'm no good, that I will just end up failing again, disappointing my husband once again.  (He likes a clean house but let's face it, so do I!)  It is vicious and he could probably tell you stories of how I've projected my view of myself onto him.  (Makes for a LONG night of conversation and probably some tears on my part.)  All in all, it is just not pretty.

Here's the thing.  I KNOW that I am worth something.  The God of the Universe sent his only son to die for my sins.  He knew I wasn't going to be perfect.  Not ever.  It isn't in my DNA to be perfect, it isn't in any of our make up.  Why is there this fierce competition (especially between women)?  For example, I have to be honest that I think that my chocolate chip cookies are better than anyone else's, but who cares?!  Because it gives me an extra star on my stay-at-home-mom badge?  Come on, we are all sinners.  We all fail.  We can't all make the perfect chocolate chip cookie.  Maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself and I could dismiss those voices if I wasn't constantly trying to "live up" to something.  Maybe it's Martha Stewart that I'm trying to be, but I'm pretty sure someone cleans her house.

I am just me.  Just Katy.  I am exactly who God created me to be.  I am exactly where God wants me to be.  I am His.  He said, I want her in my family.  The thing is...clean house or not, I am in!  It may be the only time in my life that I am in the "in crowd" but it is the most important time.

So for me, what it comes down to is a little more grace, which I believe will lead to a little more balance.  I need to be all in with God.  I need to be all in as a wife and mother.  If I'm all in there but I have stacks (and stacks and stacks) of papers on my counter, that's ok.  Grace.  Sometimes we overlook the need to give ourselves grace.  I'll be working on my balance today, and giving myself some grace as well.  I officially have 2 hours to get some serious cleaning done in my house (I'm not kidding, the health department is going to shut me down) and I intend to use every second of it.  However, when that 2 hours is up, I will be happy with my progress because isn't that what life is...progress.  God doesn't ask me to be perfect, but he does ask me to be a little better every day.  Here's to grace, balance, and progress!

Consider it pure what???

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds."

-James 1:2

Here's what I'd like to say lately.  I don't WANT to consider it pure joy.  To be quite honest, it is painful and lonely and far from joyful.  In the Beth Moore "James" study (which, by the way is amazing if you haven't heard me say that before) she says this, "We have to take responsibility for setting out our own bait and biting it, too.  While the Bible by no means absolves Satan in this process, in this one vital spot we're forced to reckon with our sinful selves alone.  Once I realized the problem was in me and not just around me or done to me, I knew Jesus was my only hope.  He alone can change us from the core."

There is SO much in that section of the study that I love but the thing that hit me, that was (somewhat) new was that in this case, there was no one to blame.  I have the choice.

There is a saying I'm sure we're all familiar with - "the devil made me do it," and how many times have we seen cartoons with the angel on one side and the devil on the other competing with each other.  This time, there is no devil on my shoulder.  Sure, he makes things in my day MUCH harder (say, a non-napping 2 year old that is an absolute mess by 4pm), but it is my choice to take the joy route.

Let's look at the word, "consider."  Merriam Webster defines it this way, "to think carefully, to regard or treat in an attentive or kindly way, to gaze on steadily or reflectively."  This word requires thought.  When I take that definition and read, "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds," I am being asked to think about the joy within the trials.  What?  Human nature does not lend itself to this task.  Human nature says, "this is crap."  "I don't deserve this."  "Why me?"  But then, human nature is sinful.

James is asking us to think like Jesus.  Jesus would point out the joy in the situation.  Jesus would say, "you get all those sweet, wonderful moments with your kids."  Jesus would say, "you now don't take your family for granted."  Jesus would say, "you're learning to lean and rely solely on me."

Maybe that is part of it.  Maybe we need to slow down and really seek God to know what the joy is even in these seemingly awful situations.  I know that it is easier said that done and I know so many of you are facing things that are miles beyond my traveling husband and homesickness.  I don't know how we find joy in some situations.  I don't know how we find joy when the world around us is caving in and it feels like we are in the fight of our life.  I don't know other than to seek.  Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  I don't know about you but when I feel like I am drowning, I seek with all of my heart.  I know God is there.  I know he is listening.  But I have to choose to listen.  He is telling me to consider it joy, to find the joy in a crappy situation, a horrible diagnosis, a situation I can't even begin to understand.  He's there and I know he's willing to walk with me but I have to make the choice.  I can't say that the devil made me do it.  It is up to me.  I was given free will, I need to use it.  I need to consider, I need to think.  I need to seek and I need to offer thanks as I find the joy.

Stained Glass Masquerade

An old blog post from January 2010, but a good one so I thought I'd put it here.....

I was on my way to the car wash today and was listening to Casting Crown's Lifesong cd. One of the songs on the cd is called Stained Glass Masquerade and has a great message. As I was listening to it, it made me think of this great thing called grace. It is nothing that we can earn but freely given by God. The hang up I have is that we often don't have grace with other people which makes us hide inside ourselves. We don't want other people to know what is going on because what would they think. She wouldn't be my friend if she knew this, they won't want us around because my kid doesn't do this. There is a trap we find ourselves in because we are so worried about what other people will think - because we don't give each other grace.

The fact is, we all have issues and baggage and we all could benefit from grace. Why is it that we are SO afraid to show other's our weaknesses? We are so concerned with not being accepted because we don't accept others. The chorus of Stained Glass Masquerade goes like this:

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

As I was listening it just hit me like a ton of bricks. We totally put walls around our weaknesses because if someone saw they would think less of us. Then, we slap on a smile like everything is ok. It goes back to putting others first, I think. If I can truly put that other person before myself, maybe then I'll give a little grace. In turn, maybe my defenses will come down...just a thought!

If you struggle with opening up and giving grace, you need to read the book "Bo's Cafe." Three great guys, who will openly admit that they don't have it together and have messed up, wrote it. There is just a great message about finding grace and trusting people with yourself. Hard, I know, because how many of us have been let down by someone we've trusted. But people are human, which means we sin, which means we'll be let down. It's part of the ride. What we do in response is what will define us. Think back to the beginning. God made Adam and wanted him to have a partner. He then created Eve. We were designed to be in communion with other people. God wants us to rely on others, to both be called and call people to the carpet when something isn't right. That's what Jesus did. Check out the gospels if you haven't in a while.

I guess what I'm getting at in all this rambling is that God has given us grace. We have done nothing to deserve it, so why don't we pass it along? How hard is it to cut someone some slack, especially knowing that you're going to need the same thing in a hour. Once we begin to give grace, then maybe we tear down our walls and let someone in. When we truly let them in, we are living how God wanted us to...and how amazing would that be!?!

The War Wages On...

I have had a huge internal battle to fight for a while now.  I LONG for home, for family.  It has been a battle that I've had to fight for 5 years.  I have a love/hate relationship with Indiana and what it means for our family.  It's a great place, despite the grey winters.  People are nice, schools are good.  The job is great.  Yet, with all of those positives, I just miss my family.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  Today I find myself wanting to compare myself to others who get to do things with their families all the time (and by all the time, I mean once a month).  I had a last minute opportunity to see my family yet A's travel schedule didn't allow it.  I want to yell and scream and be really angry and say why?!?!?  Why can't it just work out...once?  I want to play the victim.  I want to curl up in a ball on my couch and cry.  I don't want to do laundry or make dinner.  I just want to cry.

I was reminded yesterday while doing a Beth Moore study on James, that I am to "consider it pure joy" when trials and problems come my way. (James 1:2)  If I do this, I'll develop perseverance.  (Right now, I don't want perseverance.  I want to see my parents.)  In our conversation about this section someone reminded me that we have to make a choice.  Ultimately it is my choice - I can play the victim or I can plug away and know that despite what I feel, I am blessed.  I'm breathing today.  My family is healthy.  A has a job.  We can pay our bills.  Yes, I am blessed.  But why is this choice so hard?  I'll admit that I've gotten angry with God today and I am so thankful that he is a God who can handle my rants.  I don't understand why I have this longing if it is going to go unmet - or at least unmet in my eyes.  It is hard and I don't want to make the choice to consider this joy, but I am trying.  I am desperately trying.

Today, my relationship with God is minute to minute.  I've been in constant conversation.  I've been seeking.  My choice right now is to keep seeking because that is the only way I can see that the joy could seep in.  I am going to ask God for some clarity.  I've prayed that this longing would go away and it hasn't.  Another nugget from James - "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:6)  What I cling to from that is that God gives generously WITHOUT finding fault.  He can handle my rants and when I ask he will answer despite all my failings.  James goes on to say, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."  (James 1:7)  I wonder how much we miss because we don't fully trust and believe when we ask.  I wonder what I have missed.  And what am I missing now?  For my human brain it is hard sometimes to believe that I'm going to get an answer because I can't fathom what that answer might be or I get discouraged that the answer will not come within my time line.  (Especially in this scenario.)  But I need some wisdom.  So, my choice for this moment is to ask and believe that God will answer.  Something that looks so easy, is so hard for me.

If you get a chance, will you pray that I find contentment here?  Will you pray that my Indiana Funk will leave and not return?  Thanks!  I'd love to be able to pray for you - all 5 who are reading it! :)  Let me know how I can.  Leave a comment, send me an email, whatever...I'd like to be able to pray for you.  Oh, and if you get a chance, start reading James.  He doesn't mess around!

A Call to Responsibility

First, let me begin that this post is by NO means a political post. It is by NO means meant to have any political bearing. Don't bash me because of what I say. Don't misinterpret what this post is saying. I'm calling on EVERYONE to take responsibility for their actions!

I have been thinking about this one for a LONG time. I have noticed and increasing lack of taking responsibility for one's actions the past few months. There is always a "but" followed by an excuse of why things haven't gone your way. I have noticed it more with the presidential election coming up.

Let's take the president, for example. Of course, he is going to be attacked on his record for the last 3.5 years in office. Whether he were a republican or democrat, it is just how elections go. The other side is trying to find fault with what you've done or not done in order to sway votes to their side. This is NOT something new, nor is what I'm about to say. Please, President Obama, take some responsibility! You inherited a crappy economy, and wars that were years old, we get it. We were there too. You made some serious promises 4 years ago and let's just face the facts that you didn't get the majority of it done. Let's stop blaming former President Bush and pony up to say, the job was harder than you thought. I get you need another 4 years, but I'd have a lot more respect for you if you didn't continue to lay blame on everyone else. The fact is, you aren't giving my children or even yours a strong example of what taking responsibility is. I truly believe that every president inherits something crappy from the previous one. But let's put our big kid undies on and do the job we're supposed to do rather than blaming others.

We don't have to look far to find a celebrity who is blaming someone else for their fall. The pressure was too much, etc. To this, I say, Really? Like none of us regular folk experience pressure. Listen, you chose to be in the lime light - you take it and know you're being watched by millions or you explode under the pressure. I get that it is hard, life is hard, but what you do with it is your choice. No one put the drink and the keys in your hand and if you did make stupid choices, say that you made stupid choices. Let's take a little responsibility for our actions.

I'm not at all saying that I am innocent in all of this. I want to get mad and blame others too (most of the time my husband, sorry A!) but I am trying really hard not to because my children are watching me. They are doing what I do. They are saying what I say. They are little sponges, soaking it all up and then waiting for your next move. I am actively trying not to lose my patience at the end of the day of yet another single parent week. I am trying to say, yep, I forgot or yep, that was my fault. The most humbling thing you can do is to apologize to your child and ask for their forgiveness. Wow! You soften yourself to them, you become even more of a real person, and they see that everyone messes up. But in that moment of messing up, I could chose to say it's because you kids are driving me nuts and I have a huge headache and dishes piled up in the sink, or, I could simply say "I'm sorry, forgive me."

You know, Jesus taught forgiveness like no one else. He was there, being nailed to a cross, enduring the insults from the soldiers and passers by. Luke 23:34 gives Jesus' reply, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Wow! Jesus didn't need to take responsibility for any wrong doing as he was perfect. We however, are not, but can surely take this lesson in forgiveness.

There is always someone watching us, whether we are celebrities, politicians, or regular people. Students watch teachers, coworkers watch each other, children watch parents. We all watch celebrities and politicians. I know this will go nowhere other than the handful of people reading but I'm just asking that we all take some responsibility. And it isn't a bad thing to ask for forgiveness either. My kids are watching you and their future will be impacted by what you decide to do - are you going to lay blame or take the responsibility?

Epic Fail - UPDATE

Well, the first update I have is that my sweet little, R, scored her very first goal at her soccer game on Saturday! That was awesome and yes, this mama did get a little teary. I could see her confidence grow, it was amazing. On the way to the game, we had the "do your best" talk again and she told me how it bothered her that she wasn't as fast and didn't get to kick the ball. You better believe we talked through that one and she saw the results! It was awesome. I think I wanted to run across the field yelling, "GGGOOOAAALLL!" Seriously, awesome!

Onto the next part of the update, the one where I'm supposed to be shaking my glass up so it is always just full - yeah, another fail. We had some great people over from work on Saturday night. I mean, we all really enjoy these people and their kids - not many people can say the genuinely like the people they work with - A can. Anyway, there were a handful of people that hadn't been to the house before and said we had a beautiful house...yeah, you can see this one coming, can't you? My response, "Thanks, but..." or "Thanks" followed by the sigh of the century. How silly of me! (And by silly, you know what I mean.) Really?!?!? I wanted to kick my own you-know-what. I do have a beautiful house. I have a house that is warm in the winter, cool in the summer, has more rooms that we need, houses all of our stuff, and we can pay for. What is my deal? (In my somewhat of a defense, when you live somewhere, you see all the imperfections every day so I'm sure that transferred, still, no excuse.)

So, basically, I'm still working on that one. That's really all I can say. I have a knack for saying, "Thanks" followed by an excuse, apology, or the word "but" and it is a hard habit to break. Why do I feel the need to apologize for the incredibly dry, not so tasty cake - pretty sure people will come back again. (This post is about to take a turn...) My expectations for myself are high. My job is my kids, my house, being Suzy Homemaker so when I feel like I fail, I'm hard on myself which transfers to a half empty glass. (Wow, a breakthrough - this really is cheaper than therapy although laying on a couch sounds great! :)

We're plugging along...one day at a time. Still really needing the Lord to hold me through all of this. If I have his vision, I won't need a glass to shake up.

Parenting Epic Fail #1978

Yes, I said 1978 (at least) one for every day of my sweet girl's life. I am sure there are more and I am sure I've done some permanent damage already. (And with that I am SO thankful that God redeems us!!!) Yesterday was a rough soccer practice.

Let's just say neither the husband or I are particularly thrilled about soccer. Probably me less than him because well, I never played soccer. Never had an interest, wasn't into "contact" sports. Soccer is enough contact that it kept me away and I stuck primarily to softball. When she said last spring that she wanted to play soccer, we spent over a month making darn sure that she REALLY wanted to play soccer. (Last year, 1 week into an 8 week season, she said she didn't like it because it was too much running.) She never backed down and insisted she was game for another season. (Keep in mind this one was much longer and requires a practice and game per week rather than both at the same time on a Sat. morning.) First practice was not great but also fell on the first day of kindergarten so I was a little more understanding about the ginormous melt down that occurred with 30 minutes left.

Fast forward, we've had 6 practices but only 1 game so far and I'm thinking she likes soccer a little more than last year but by what margin, not sure. Last night we sat an watched while she pulled her shorts up (high enough for everyone to see underneath them), chewed on her shirt and sucked on her fingers. Keep in mind that all of this was happening instead of watching the ball. All in all, it was rough. She always says she has a good time but she doesn't appear to be having a lot of fun so I'm not sure. As I drove her home and she started talking, it seemed that everything that came out of her mouth was negative. She can complain and whine with the best of them but when I asked her if there was a time that she didn't complain, a time when she was really happy, she referenced playing outside as a family 2 weeks ago. Really?!?

I wanted to say, "What's wrong with you? How did you get this way?" And then, in a still, small voice, God said, "are you modeling it?" Ouch. Epic parenting fail #1978. Ouch.

I don't consider myself to be a negative, glass half empty person, those people bug me. I guess I consider myself to be a realist. If you ask me how I am, I'm likely to give you the truth or at least part of it. If you ask me about my kitchen, I'm going to point out everything I don't like about it (and how I could spend thousands to fix it). If you ask me how I'm liking IN, I'm going to be honest that it's not been my favorite place to live although the people are nice. So, all these answers (depending on how my day is going) can be seen as negative and deep down, I am thankful for my life, I am thankful I have a kitchen because it is nice and my stove works, and I'm thankful my husband has a job he likes and I can stay at home. Those just aren't the things that surface, unfortunately. So I guess maybe this does make me one of those people that bug me. Ouch.

See, having a child is like looking in the mirror but often times the reflection you see is everything you do wrong. The older she gets, the clearer the reflection becomes - and I'm not liking what I see. This parenting thing is a rough gig! At the same time, to take the glass half full approach, it is an awesome gig because I have that reflection now, while she is still young enough that we could change the course.

There are numerous references in the Bible about giving thanks and being thankful yet for some reason, I have opted out. I mean, I give thanks when I am praying and when I am talking with God but I'm not great at doing it in my every day living. (And again I say ouch. Writing these words sting.) I've even read the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is an incredible book about being thankful and how it can absolutely transform us. And it has transformed me, but I guess only a little.

Time to get back to it. To "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18) And I will "give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever." (Psalm 136:1) And I will give thanks because "every good and perfect gift is from above." (James 1:17) It is time that I take Titus 2:7 to heart and "in everything set them an example by doing what is good."

In short, I really am a thankful person. I can see how God has blessed my life and my family's. I can see His divine hand prints in my life through people or circumstances but I am not sharing this thanks. I am not running with it. I am not being the example my daughter needs. Kids will do as they see, so I need to seriously change my course if I expect hers to change as well. (Both of the littles need this example!) Please ask me how I'm doing. I know I will have rough days and I know there will be times I complain, so I ask for your grace, but I ask for you to hold me accountable as there are lives that need this example from me that are worth far more than my own! My prayer is that the Lord will hold me while I attempt to spread these new wings - the ones that don't get used quite as often. I'm so thankful that my God keeps his promises.

"If You Want Me To"

I don't really listen to my CD's anymore so there are many songs there were my favorites, that were played on repeat, that I've just forgotten about. That is why I'm thankful for Pandora. Just plug in an artist or genre and your set. I've heard a few songs that fall into the previously talked about category thanks to the iPad and Pandora. Today, as I was baking, one of those came on. Ginny Owens, "If You Want Me To." One of my all time favorite songs...just listen!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OO0vf16iJA&feature=related

An Argument for Home Schooling

Yesterday I almost yanked my sweet girl out of school to home school her.

Let me start by saying I firmly believe that home schooling is the best option for some and there are parents who are meant to home school their kids. I am not one of them. My girl needs someone else to direct her learning. I am more than happy to use my former teacher skills with homework and many other things but there would be some arguing, some laughing, but many tears shed if I were to home school her. (Just being a realist here.)

With that being said, I was ready to throw all my "I know this isn't a good idea" thoughts out the window and bring her home to her mama! The transition to kindergarten has been rough. I anticipated the tiredness and her hearing things we'd rather not have her hear. She has a natural attitude as she thinks she was born much earlier than the date on her birth certificate. (I try to remind her that the date is correct...I was there, I remember.) This attitude needs to be tamed at times but it is what makes her my girl. It is was drives her to learn. It is what makes her unique and quirky. It is what has given her the vocabulary and the verbal skills she has. This attitude has grown.

Yesterday when her always kind, never rambunctious (HA!) younger brother smacked her in the face she gave him a look that could kill and said "I hate him when he does that." In my head I was thinking, "oh no you didn't!" Shockingly, I remained calm (100% because my neighbor and her sweet boy were sitting in the office with us) and said "excuse me?" because surely I hadn't heard her correctly. And then like she was rehearsing a play came those seven words again, followed by a "we don't say that and you need to go to your room" from her mama.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!! At that very moment I thought, I'm done. I was a public school teacher and am all for a public education but my girl is staying home. (Keep in mind that this was not the first thing that she has said since starting school.) Right here was the argument for home schooling. I could do it. I taught kids to read and write. I've got most of my teacher things in the basement. I was all over this.

After a conversation and an explanation of why we don't use the word "hate" she was forced to pick up her toys (GASP!) before she could do anything else. I called my mama and cried to her. I said, "I knew at one point I would have to fight for my kids but never realized it would come so soon."

That is how I feel. I have to fight for my kids. And the only way I know how is to pray and let the Lord hold me. I prayed as I checked on her before going to bed last night. I prayed as I crawled into bed. I prayed as she got dressed. I prayed as we walked to the bus. I wanted God to impart on me some wise words to pass to her before she left for school. What I heard was give her a kiss and tell her you love her. So that is what I did. I gave her a kiss, told her to have a great day, and told her I loved her.

You see, when she was born, I was incredibly thankful that she was healthy. I knew she was a gift and I knew she didn't belong to me. She was the Lord's and he was entrusting me to bring her up to know him. I've known this with both of my kids for their whole lives, but this is the first time where I don't have all the control. I am having to send her off where her teacher is in control and with 25 kids in a class, there is no way she can monitor everything that is said in the classroom or on the playground. I pray that she is a kind, compassionate little girl who learns who Jesus is and desires to have a relationship with him. I have always prayed that the Lord would start speaking to my kids now so that when he called them, they would know his voice and answer. This is my prayer. I am not in control, the Lord is. He is with her all day. He will guide her but I have to let her go and trust. I have to let God hold my sweet girl up just like he holds me. It's a promise he's made to all of us.

It's bittersweet. I am amazed at the lessons I am learning and humbled that I am being taught them by my creator but the mama in me wants to bring her home and hold her tight. I want to keep my littles in a bubble forever! God's got the bubble, not me.

If you are like me and the start of this school year has been rough, I'm praying for you! My prayer is that we can all allow God to hold us by the right hand just as he has promised and know that he is holding our kids too!

I know...random title

I know, I know. "Being Help Up" is a random title for a blog, but hear me out. I am not talking bank robbery or being physically held up. I am talking about God, holding me up, because there is NO way I could do this life on my own and I am repeatedly learning that lesson. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." That is what "Being Held Up" is.
For me, writing is therapy. I write much better than I speak because I am a thinker. If you are a quick thinker, I would not win a verbal argument with you because I have to think. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have many different things or topics that are weighing on me to write about. I want to write. I want to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I might offend some and might send some running although my purpose is not to do so. I am writing for myself and to get some clarity on the lessons God is teaching me. I am self examining. I am rebuilding. I am being held up.
If you want to stick around and read with me, great! I am hoping to publish on a regular basis. If you like it, awesome. If you don't, that's ok too. Life is a journey and right now it is interesting and challenging to say the least. Join me in letting the God of the universe, the God who created each of us just as he wanted, hold us up.
(And if you don't believe in the God that can hold you up, call me. I have some amazing stories!)