My Experience

A hot topic lately has been depression.  I'm going to add my story to the mix.

I know depression.  Although I have never been formally diagnosed and I have never had thoughts of suicide and never had a plan, I know depression.  It is a dark, dark place.  Where it is black as the darkest night and the walls are closing in around you.  It is a place where you don't want to crawl out of bed.  Where it takes you twice as long to do a task.  It is debilitating.  It is suffocating.

For me, it probably started as Seasonal Affective Disorder because if you live in Indiana, you know that sun doesn't make regular appearances in the winter.  I could make it through the winter and get to spring and it would get better.  I prepared myself for this every year.  Let's get the gloves, hats, scarves, and extra bedding out, because that is where I'll want to be.  In my bed.  I was unproductive and generally just felt like I was watching life happen around me.  I didn't engage a whole lot because I didn't have anything to give.  This last winter was brutal and no wonder I was depressed, the snow and cold and countless school cancellations were awful.  But spring came and things got a little better or at least I thought they had.  Then summer came and I was exhausted all the time.  Again.  I wanted to just get through the day.  Again.  I wanted someone else to do my mom jobs.  Again.  This was more than SAD, this was something I needed help with.  But that shaming voice came in and said, "No, I can handle it.  I always have.  I don't need help."

I had a dear friend share her story with me.  The part of the story you need to know is that she described how she felt after taking medication (for depression) and said she'd wondered what the last few years would have been like if she would have done something about it earlier.  That voice (shame) chimed in and said "That is really great for her, but you're good."

Weeks, maybe a month later, her words were ringing in my ears and I decided I would talk to my doctor at an already scheduled appointment.  In the meantime, I had this essential oil that was supposed to help with "stuff like that."  I started applying the oil just to the bottoms of my feet (because I couldn't stand the smell of it).  I did that every morning for a few weeks and noticed a change.  I felt different, like I could see and think clearly.  Like I went from fuzzy black and white to high definition.  It was what I needed and it was working.  Appropriately, it is a blend of oils, called Joy.  It was just the joy I needed.  I now apply it on the bottoms of my feet and just over my heart.

Here's the point to me sharing this.  Depression happens to more than we realize.  And ladies, it is twice as common for us as it is for men.  Depression, for some, is not something you can just pray your way out of.  I 100% believe that my God is a God who heals people, who performs miracles.  I have seen some great healing even in the last few years.  But, I also believe that God made really smart people to create things to help combat different diseases.  There is medication, happy lights, and essential oils to name a few.  Of course diet and exercise play into it but when you are depressed it feels like you are wearing a weight vest and walking through sand, and when you do those things you are exhausted.  All. the. time.  I knew what I "needed" to do but doing it was quite another thing.

If you are struggling with depression, TELL SOMEONE.  Do not go it alone.  Evil plays a part in this and whispers lies (remember my shaming voice?).  Even now, I am questioning what I write.  What will people think?  What will they say?  Will they still be my friend?  Are they going to make fun of me?  This is all shame and has no place in your life or mine.  You should not be ashamed of this.  As soon as you tell someone, the voices get quieter.  It is not a secret that shame can hold over your head anymore.  Tell someone.    Life is not to be set on cruise control.  Life is to be lived and if you are depressed it is hard to do that.

And if you are the someone being told, just listen.  It is not yours to fix.  You need to understand that this is out of that person's control but telling someone brings freedom.  Be the person to offer freedom.  Then, pray with them.  That they would be healed, that they would seek the help they need.  Sometimes Christians are the worst critics.  Maybe that is why so many think we are so hypocritical.  We can combat that and just show people Jesus.  Guys, he hung out with all those that were cast out.  He didn't hang out with the popular crowd.  He would have hung out with me at my lowest.  He would have talked with me like he did the woman at the well.  He would have been there to offer a hand and help me up in the right direction.  Let's show people freedom.  Let's go there.  Be understanding, educated yourself on depression, and understand that you  can't just "snap out of it."

I am now seeing the other side of depression and there is life to live!  Be honest with yourself, think about what you might need.  What is the best route for you?  Do you need to see a doctor?  There is NO shame in that.  No part of this is one size fits all.  God made us all unique so you find the help you need.  There are people to help you.  I will help you.  I just cannot begin to tell you about the life and freedom that are on the other side.  Words do not give it justice.  It is beautiful, like all of your favorite things rolled into one and it doesn't matter if it is raining outside because life is good!!

Here's the thing...

I just got through reading 2 incredible posts by 2 different women, talking about beauty and image.  I LOVE them both.  I shared them on my FB page or you can go to Momastery and read them.

Here's the thing...
I care.  Not in that, I have to be in a size 2 and have perfect make up kind of way.  It is more in the, I'd like my jeans to fit and not have to worry about that extra stuff hanging over the top that makes me feel so uncomfortable and makes me count the minutes until I can get home and put the elastic waist band back on.  Yes, all that extra is there because I have 2 beautiful kids, and I LOVE those kids but I don't love the extra stuff.  I don't need it there to remind me of my great kids.  Those kids are etched in my heart but I'd rather they not be etched on my hips.

I've read so many blogs and articles that say, embrace the baby body and love yourself because those rolls, scars, and marks are there because you gave someone else life.  I am not disagreeing with that at all, but sometimes I think it is used as an excuse to keep us comfortable and, in my case, unhealthy.  (I may or may not have had a piece of cheesecake while my children were "resting.")

I know that I will never have a personal chef or a nanny to watch my kids while I work out for hours every day.  So if we know that, let's not compare ourselves to the celebrities that have those things.  I mean, we are not all getting paid by Weight Watchers to be a spokesperson while we lose the weight.  Let's just stop with the comparisons and be realistic.

I am just saying, I am not ok with the post baby leftovers that are still hanging on 4+ years later.  And if you're not ok with that either, that is OK.  We'll start a support group.  (Seriously.)  If you are content, I admire you.

Let's see ourselves for who we are.  Let's focus on being strong, both physically and mentally.  Let's focus on food as fuel (which is REALLY hard for me, hence the cheesecake mentioned earlier).  Let's dig deep, realize we all have baggage and crap (whether people see it or not) and deal with it.  Talk to someone.  I guarantee that when you open your mouth, your friend will not be shocked and you will feel lighter.  Secrets keep you trapped.  Let's embrace who we are.  The whole package of ourselves.  Let's not deny that we were created perfectly in the image of the only One who matters.  Let's get after it and in the process try to teach our daughters and nieces and cousins and every little girl that they are special and unique and it doesn't matter what the tag says.  Let's teach them what REAL beauty looks like.

Women

Why are women immediately defensive when something goes...maybe not the way they thought?  Is it expectations?  Is it the need to be right?  What is it?  And why do we do it?

If you not among the women I am talking about, could I read your book?  I am certainly among those who's feathers get ruffled and who's hair stands on end.  I am guilty.  I'm just saying it.

Part of it has to do with my expectations.  I am the queen of high expectations and you know what happens when expectations don't match, right?  Hurt, anger, frustration...all the ugly rolled into one.

It just so happens that I stand on the other side today.  The side where the reaction of a few, has caused hurt, has left me feeling worthless, like I have nothing to offer.  I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say, it was ridiculous.  (And if you're reading this, you were probably not the offender, so let's not go there either.  This is definitely NOT a passive aggressive stance.)

I just don't know why I continue to seek my worth in other people.  Imperfect, going to let you down, people.  Why is it so hard for me to look to the One who created me, the One who knows every thought I have, the One who designed me.  Why do those loud voices of crabby and let's face it, probably insecure women, tell me who I am?  What is the deal?

Let's just say that today a lesson was learned.  A lesson in when to let it go and when to push.  A lesson in worth and value.  And guess what???  I've got worth and value and so do you!

My honest opinion is that there is such a battle between moms - working moms, stay at home moms, work from home moms.  Who makes the best cookies, who takes the best vacations, who puts in the most volunteer hours at school.  Here is where I say, ENOUGH!!!!!

I am not designed to work full time as a mom.  I believe that God designed me with the heart to be at home with my kids.  And that does not make me less because someone else works and bakes and volunteers more than I do.  This is me and I have value and worth and something to offer just like the next person.  We do not chose to be over the top busy.  That is our choice.  I know that part of my design was that the minute I get overwhelmed, it isn't fun and when mama ain't happy...you know the rest.

So here's my plea.  Let's just be kind to one another.  Maybe that email was a little snarky because she's having a bad day or a bad year.  Let's be kind even if her tone is that you are nuts and know nothing.  Let's just be kind.  Jesus said we should be kind and love everyone, not just the people that are easy to love.  I am guilty.  I write an email response and call my husband so he can talk me down.  I need to be kind and love those women even when they make me feel like crap.  Because let's face it, they can't tell me who I am.  Only God can.  I either listen to the whispers or I listen to the truth.  So how about it...a campaign of kindness??????  Who's in?

I Am

There is a song by Crowder, called "I Am."  First, listen to it.  Second, listen to it again, but read the lyrics:

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't' find peace
There's no end to amazing grace

Take me in with Your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go
Never leave my side

I am
Holding on to You
I am
Holding on to You
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on 
I am 

Love like this
Oh my God to find
I am overwhelmed
With a joy divine
Love like this sets our hearts on fire

This is my resurrection song
This is my halleluiah come
This is why it's to You I run

There's no space that His love can't reach
There's no place where we can't find peace
There's no end to amazing grace

This is by far one of my favorite songs right now, but probably of all time.  I think it is the perspective I am listening to it with (which not be wrong, but I don't know what David Crowder and Ed Cash had in mind).  When I listen to the chorus that says "I am, Holding onto You."  I hear it as "I Am, holding onto You."  Yep, I hear it as God, who called himself "I Am" when he was talking to Moses, saying that he's got me.  He's got all of us, everyday, but especially in the middle of the storm.  And let's face it, a storm is brewing.  There is always a storm: a relationship, a job, finances, school.  Whether it is an a snow storm, thunder storm, or F5 tornado, he's got us.  Isaiah 41:10 says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Yep, he's got us.  I know there are many times I need to be held (hence, the name of my blog - that I may rarely write on - Being Held Up).  I know he's holding me above the waves.  He's not going to let me drown.  It might get rough, but he's always got me.  God will never, ever, ever let go of me.  And all this stuff we might have to endure, it will only make us stronger (although it doesn't always feel like that).

I know more than a few people who are enduring some unimaginable things right now or who have had to, and there are probably many more enduring and I have no idea about their circumstances.  What I do know, is that God doesn't leave.  He doesn't mess up.  He will hold you through it and he will make sure it is used for good.  He's God.

And here's another really good song too..."Oceans"

A Heart Issue

It's a good thing I'm not a professional blogger...I would have been fired a long time ago!

I've written before about Hello Mornings and how if I can actually get up in the morning and spend some time with the Lord, first thing, it makes such a HUGE difference in my day.  But lately, I'm tired of waking to an alarm or I haven't slept well or someone has been up in the middle of the night.  I can list the excuses with the best of them, and to the average person, they are good excuses.  Here's the problem...at the end of the day, they are just excuses.

The one who is shaking his head at my excuses is the only One who matters.  God is saying to me, "but that is our time."  And the conclusion I've come to, with some help from a Hello Mornings blog post (that I can't locate at the moment), is that I have a faith issue, a trust issue, a heart issue.  In the deepest part of my heart, I do not think the Lord will see me through the day where I've not gotten enough sleep the night before.  I do not think he will give me everything I need.  I do not believe that he will be there for me throughout the day.  It's a heart issue.  Those words sting to write.

My mind tells me all that I need to know.  That the Lord will never leave or forsake me, that he always meets all of my needs.  Why can't I transfer this?  Why can't I take this and apply it to the seemingly small things?  What is it that is blocking my heart from fully engaging?  (Maybe I should be laying on someone's couch for this part!?!)  What I know, is that I have issues (don't we all) but that mine is a heart issue, a trust issue, a belief issue.  The belief that the Lord is not going to come for me, not going to meet all of my needs  - large or small.

As I have thought about this for weeks, I have realized that so much is tied to this heart issue.  It affects more than just waking up in the morning.  It keeps me seeing the reflection in the mirror rather than the reflection of God.  It keeps me impatient with my kids.  It keeps me from relationships with others.  There's a lot of work to be done, but the One who died for me will be there to help me through.

Like I said, it sting to write these words, to admit that my heart isn't where it should be.  The sting that hits your eyes when you've been crying all night.  The sting that comes when you discover you're been betrayed.  But there is a calm, a peace, as well.  Unlike so many, I know that this is my issue.  I know that my heart needs some work.  I can't tell you that I know what to do to fix it.  I know I can't fix it on my own (I've tried).  It will have to start with trusting the Lord to meet every need of mine, during the day.  It will be an everyday battle with my alarm clock.  It will not be easy as true change never is, but it will be worth it.  I'd appreciate your prayers, even just that I'd get up when the alarm goes off!  Thanks, friends!!

Yes, I am that girl...and I love that song.

I'm the girl that cries when my kids do something (anything) for the first time.

I'm the girl that laughs at the inappropriate things my son says/does.

I'm the girl that if I really worshipped how I wanted at church, people would stare.

I'm the girl who, tonight, has LOVED having a quiet house, my music, and no one to stare.

I'm the girl who cries when we sing Christmas songs at church, but especially "Silent Night" when the candles are lit at the end of the Christmas Eve service.

I'm the girl who will (almost guaranteed) cry during the service this Easter Sunday.

You see, the thought that someone, Jesus, would die for me - blows my mind.  I almost cannot comprehend it.  I have been taught this growing up but really, there are just NO words.  My hope, my life, my ability to love all come because of Jesus.  Wow.

No song sums it up better than "In Christ Alone."  I particularly LOVE this version from the Passion CD.  Listen to it.  And don't worry if your eyes aren't dry, mine aren't either!

Here are the lyrics:

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

(In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.)

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

The verse in parenthesis was not included in the Passion version but is part of the original song written by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend.  I've added my own emphasis.

Really, the best song.  Says so much.  Is so freeing.  Is so awesome.  I am without words.

Happy Easter!!  I hope you are able to celebrate with those you love, that Jesus rose so that we may live.

A few things...

First, a Hello Mornings update...it's hard!  The first week was easy, then everyone got sick and things started to fall apart.  It also isn't easy getting up when it is dark and cold outside.  There have been more than a few mornings that I have laid in bed and just prayed for my family or read my bible on my phone.  And although I'm not doing what I set out to do (actually getting up and studying), I still notice a difference in my day.  I'm a work in progress.

Second, it makes me really sad that my kindergartner comes home and talks about how other girls were mean to her.  Really???  Kindergarten???  I guess I'm not surprised.  My motto in high school was "Girls are mean and boys are dumb."  But again I say, Really????  I am already having to explain that most of the time people are mean because there is something about themselves they don't really like.  (In kindergarten terms, of course.)  I mean, she's not being bullied but it's the attitude paired with words that she gets.  (And hasn't this plagued women from the beginning?  If only Eve could have had that attitude with the snake, maybe I wouldn't even be posting this!)  I think more times than not I get 5 pictures drawn because she isn't playing with other kids.  She, however seems (for the most part) fine with it.  As her mama, I'm sad for her.

I can't tell you how much I hope and pray that my little girl is ok with who she is!  (I pray that for my son too, but something tells me he's got some healthy self confidence!)  I am seeing that she gets embarrassed dancing and singing in front of us.  I told her just tonight, that the beauty of this house is that the people who live here, LOVE her no matter what!  I hope that sinks in.  She is a smart, funny, yet serious little girl.  She loves her little brother and still loves Disney Princesses.  I've got to tell you, I hope that never changes!  I want her to be little as long as she can be.  I want her to like herself and really know who she is.  I don't want her to follow the popular crowd.

To be honest, I'm not sure that I really knew who I was until just recently.  Or, I should say, I didn't feel that I was free to be me until recently.  I was really good at blending in and becoming who I thought you'd want me to be.  I was really good at that when I dated in high school and college.  I was good at that when we moved and I was desperate to find new friends.  Fortunately for me, a few of those friends have helped me to let my guard down.  I am fun to be around.  I can be one of the only sober people dancing like a fool, having a great time (and I'll remember it in the morning)!  The beauty of it was that I just didn't care!  Seriously, this could only happen because of God.

I am thankful that I've learned this at such a crucial time in my daughter's life.  I'll be praying that God guides me (and my husband) each day in our interactions with her.  She is awesome and I want her to know that!  I want her to know that there is not one person on this earth exactly like her and it is cool to be who God created you to be.  He didn't make us all the same, so why do we try to conform and be like each other?  To fit in.  I guess I've learned that if I have to change who I am to fit in, it may not be a crowd I want to hang out with.  I pray that my kids know this much earlier than I did!  Authenticity is a beautiful thing!