Home

I've spent about 5+ years thinking about "home" and what it means.  Is my home my house?  Is it where I grew up?  Is it a city?  Is it a feeling?  Is it a comfort?  There are songs, stories, articles, and I'm pretty sure you could get some unsolicited advice on the subject of "home" as well.  For me, though, it is not an easy subject.

Take Phillip Phillips (who I'm a huge fan of, by the way).  In his song "Home" the lyrics say - 

Settle down, it'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone

Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Let me give you a little background and tell you that I know the Lord speaks to me (often) through music.  When I first heard this song, it was as if God had grabbed my hand and spoke the words directly to me - about my life.  Every word of that chorus gave me hope that the Lord had not left me struggling but was going to work it all out.  (Like he always does but it appears my patience is not what I thought it was!)

Then, you have the song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 (also a big fan).  The chorus says this -

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

I hear this song and it speaks not just to my life, but to my soul.  If you are like me, you have this feeling like no matter what you do, this place on earth is still missing something.  It is missing Jesus!  It is not and will never truly be my home.  Let me tell you that I LONG for that home.  There are hard days and sad days and frustrating days that I just want to be there, in Heaven with Jesus because this life can be so hard.  Please don't read that to mean there are never happy, joyful, full of life days - there are plenty of those.  But it leaves me to wonder that if my life was always full of those good days, would I long for Heaven?

I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle (1st Corinthians 10:13).  I know that he loves me (Isaiah 43:4).  I know that I'm asked to always consider joy (James 1:2).  I know that the Lord, God of the Universe has overcome this world that I live in (John 16:33).  Why is it so hard to believe or do these things?

I have heard our christian radio station talking lately about having faith and man, do I feel like I need to have it right now.  I am having one of those days, today, where that is all I can do.  One of those days where I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me because I just don't even have the words to pray (Romans 8:26-27).  I was at Target this morning and rarely can I go in without running into at least 1 person but today I was on the phone as I shopped and told my friend on the other end that I wondered if the other people walking around were just putting on a mask.  I wonder if any of them wanted to scream along with me.  Why do we mask it?  Why is it not ok to say, "no, I'm really not ok today."  Some days are great and some days aren't but wouldn't this world be so much better if we all just took a step back and were real.

I know that many people have many dreams for our great country - dreams of equality for all, health care for all - and those aren't bad things but I think my dream for our country (or maybe just my city for now) is to take off the mask and be real!  Let it be ok to have a great day.  Let's celebrate when someone gets a promotion rather than being jealous.  Let's cry together when our kids are hurting or we are just having an awful day.  For the love, people, let's just be able to say this is the deal!  I'm not sure about you, but I want my home to be one where you can tell me anything and I won't be shocked!  I want people to walk in my home and not feel judged.  I want that.  That is my dream.  And (although I put some of it on the Internet) I am not great at doing this.  I still feel judged when I say something.  I feel like I can't measure up.  I feel like people are whispering about me when I walk into a room (as if I'm that interesting!).  So...I'm going to declare my home a place where masks come off and guards come down and we can just talk.  No being judged, no whispering, just real people making the most of this time on earth, in this home.

Letting Go

I've come to realize (in some ways, the hard way) that there is a whole bunch that I need to let go of.  I've always thought that by "dealing" on my own and not saying anything was best but once again the Lord has given me a good kick in the pants (lovingly, though).  I've got past hurts that deal with people, places, and probably things if I thought hard enough.  I can tell you where I was standing when someone made fun of my "monkey arms" in 7th grade.  I can tell you how, in college,  my dreams where changed because I took someone else's opinion of me rather than mine, or more importantly God's.  I can flash back to so many of these moments and relive them like I am in 7th grade all over again.

I'm starting a Captivating study next week (my 2nd one).  For those of you not familiar with it, it is a book written by John and Stasi Eldredge and if you let it, it will give you a good kick in the pants.  It is not an easy book to read as it challenges you to seek God and let him reveal some really uncomfortable parts of your life but at the same time, it is freeing and offers so much hope.  It talks about God's great story for your life.  This is what excites me about doing the study again.  Don't get me wrong, it will wreck you.  It is hard.  It is challenging.  It is life giving.  I learned that the whispers weren't me.  Those voices were all wrong.  I matter.  I am important.  God made me who I am for a specific purpose.  My hope this time around is to discover more of that purpose and to reveal more of how God sees me.

I am both excited and terrified of doing this study again, because it will definitely be a time to draw close to God and listen but it will also wreck me.  You could read the book on your own and say, "Wow, that was really good" or "Wow, that was really awful."  You have to decide whether you're going to be all in or not.  (And even if YOU decide not, God may have other plans for you.  Learned that one the hard way too!)

Anyway, this is basically a bunch of rambling.  I'll keep you posted about the study.  You may see one or more posts about being wrecked but hopefully there will be some posts about my great adventure as well!  God has some big things in store for 2013!