Let's just say neither the husband or I are particularly thrilled about soccer. Probably me less than him because well, I never played soccer. Never had an interest, wasn't into "contact" sports. Soccer is enough contact that it kept me away and I stuck primarily to softball. When she said last spring that she wanted to play soccer, we spent over a month making darn sure that she REALLY wanted to play soccer. (Last year, 1 week into an 8 week season, she said she didn't like it because it was too much running.) She never backed down and insisted she was game for another season. (Keep in mind this one was much longer and requires a practice and game per week rather than both at the same time on a Sat. morning.) First practice was not great but also fell on the first day of kindergarten so I was a little more understanding about the ginormous melt down that occurred with 30 minutes left.
Fast forward, we've had 6 practices but only 1 game so far and I'm thinking she likes soccer a little more than last year but by what margin, not sure. Last night we sat an watched while she pulled her shorts up (high enough for everyone to see underneath them), chewed on her shirt and sucked on her fingers. Keep in mind that all of this was happening instead of watching the ball. All in all, it was rough. She always says she has a good time but she doesn't appear to be having a lot of fun so I'm not sure. As I drove her home and she started talking, it seemed that everything that came out of her mouth was negative. She can complain and whine with the best of them but when I asked her if there was a time that she didn't complain, a time when she was really happy, she referenced playing outside as a family 2 weeks ago. Really?!?
I wanted to say, "What's wrong with you? How did you get this way?" And then, in a still, small voice, God said, "are you modeling it?" Ouch. Epic parenting fail #1978. Ouch.
I don't consider myself to be a negative, glass half empty person, those people bug me. I guess I consider myself to be a realist. If you ask me how I am, I'm likely to give you the truth or at least part of it. If you ask me about my kitchen, I'm going to point out everything I don't like about it (and how I could spend thousands to fix it). If you ask me how I'm liking IN, I'm going to be honest that it's not been my favorite place to live although the people are nice. So, all these answers (depending on how my day is going) can be seen as negative and deep down, I am thankful for my life, I am thankful I have a kitchen because it is nice and my stove works, and I'm thankful my husband has a job he likes and I can stay at home. Those just aren't the things that surface, unfortunately. So I guess maybe this does make me one of those people that bug me. Ouch.
See, having a child is like looking in the mirror but often times the reflection you see is everything you do wrong. The older she gets, the clearer the reflection becomes - and I'm not liking what I see. This parenting thing is a rough gig! At the same time, to take the glass half full approach, it is an awesome gig because I have that reflection now, while she is still young enough that we could change the course.
There are numerous references in the Bible about giving thanks and being thankful yet for some reason, I have opted out. I mean, I give thanks when I am praying and when I am talking with God but I'm not great at doing it in my every day living. (And again I say ouch. Writing these words sting.) I've even read the book "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. It is an incredible book about being thankful and how it can absolutely transform us. And it has transformed me, but I guess only a little.
Time to get back to it. To "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:18) And I will "give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever." (Psalm 136:1) And I will give thanks because "every good and perfect gift is from above." (James 1:17) It is time that I take Titus 2:7 to heart and "in everything set them an example by doing what is good."
In short, I really am a thankful person. I can see how God has blessed my life and my family's. I can see His divine hand prints in my life through people or circumstances but I am not sharing this thanks. I am not running with it. I am not being the example my daughter needs. Kids will do as they see, so I need to seriously change my course if I expect hers to change as well. (Both of the littles need this example!) Please ask me how I'm doing. I know I will have rough days and I know there will be times I complain, so I ask for your grace, but I ask for you to hold me accountable as there are lives that need this example from me that are worth far more than my own! My prayer is that the Lord will hold me while I attempt to spread these new wings - the ones that don't get used quite as often. I'm so thankful that my God keeps his promises.
I am so thankful for you because i feel like we are twins :) I swear I go through this same exact brain drama every day. I am constantly frustrated with A's lack of appreciation, and I point it out way more than B does, and I guess I feel that because I don't utter my unthankful thoughts out loud, that I am not causing it. But then I realize that I am neither saying out loud ENOUGH of the time, where to find the good and gratefulness in every situation. if she heard me doing that all the time, maybe she would too. And I constantly feel like i've failed. But I always go back to my one saving grace.... if she had a perfect mother, she wouldn't need a perfect Savior.
ReplyDeletehugs to you, friend.