Balance

(I'm going to bear my soul, my faults.  Grace would be good right now.  Thanks!)

I am not a person of balance.  I am either all in or all out.  I have a million projects in my head (house warming gifts, Halloween costumes, behavior charts, etc) but nothing gets done until my house is clean.  My house doesn't get clean because I physically can't clean it in a day when I have little hands around.  Take my kids for a solid day or 2 and I may even have clean baseboards.  I used to have clean baseboards.  That was in a smaller house, before my kids came along.  I heard someone say that cleaning with kids is like shoveling in a snow storm.  I'd say that is incredibly accurate!

I am a perfectionist, but some may not see that about me (especially if you were at my house today, just ask my neighbor who dropped his son off this morning...).  Here's the problem with that - it provides me no balance.  I want the whole house clean, so instead of starting to clean, I do the dishes and feel like I've failed because I can't get it all done.  My entire life has been spent feeling like I'm not enough, that I don't measure up.  This perfectionism stuff, doesn't help.  I'm sure you see the cycle coming, but let me spell it out for you...house needs to be cleaned, start but frustrated that it won't be done in a day, feel like a complete failure, in a slump, house gets worse.  You see?

If I were to really break it down, Satan gets right in there and whispers that it can't be done.  That I'm no good, that I will just end up failing again, disappointing my husband once again.  (He likes a clean house but let's face it, so do I!)  It is vicious and he could probably tell you stories of how I've projected my view of myself onto him.  (Makes for a LONG night of conversation and probably some tears on my part.)  All in all, it is just not pretty.

Here's the thing.  I KNOW that I am worth something.  The God of the Universe sent his only son to die for my sins.  He knew I wasn't going to be perfect.  Not ever.  It isn't in my DNA to be perfect, it isn't in any of our make up.  Why is there this fierce competition (especially between women)?  For example, I have to be honest that I think that my chocolate chip cookies are better than anyone else's, but who cares?!  Because it gives me an extra star on my stay-at-home-mom badge?  Come on, we are all sinners.  We all fail.  We can't all make the perfect chocolate chip cookie.  Maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself and I could dismiss those voices if I wasn't constantly trying to "live up" to something.  Maybe it's Martha Stewart that I'm trying to be, but I'm pretty sure someone cleans her house.

I am just me.  Just Katy.  I am exactly who God created me to be.  I am exactly where God wants me to be.  I am His.  He said, I want her in my family.  The thing is...clean house or not, I am in!  It may be the only time in my life that I am in the "in crowd" but it is the most important time.

So for me, what it comes down to is a little more grace, which I believe will lead to a little more balance.  I need to be all in with God.  I need to be all in as a wife and mother.  If I'm all in there but I have stacks (and stacks and stacks) of papers on my counter, that's ok.  Grace.  Sometimes we overlook the need to give ourselves grace.  I'll be working on my balance today, and giving myself some grace as well.  I officially have 2 hours to get some serious cleaning done in my house (I'm not kidding, the health department is going to shut me down) and I intend to use every second of it.  However, when that 2 hours is up, I will be happy with my progress because isn't that what life is...progress.  God doesn't ask me to be perfect, but he does ask me to be a little better every day.  Here's to grace, balance, and progress!