I have had a huge internal battle to fight for a while now. I LONG for home, for family. It has been a battle that I've had to fight for 5 years. I have a love/hate relationship with Indiana and what it means for our family. It's a great place, despite the grey winters. People are nice, schools are good. The job is great. Yet, with all of those positives, I just miss my family.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Today I find myself wanting to compare myself to others who get to do things with their families all the time (and by all the time, I mean once a month). I had a last minute opportunity to see my family yet A's travel schedule didn't allow it. I want to yell and scream and be really angry and say why?!?!? Why can't it just work out...once? I want to play the victim. I want to curl up in a ball on my couch and cry. I don't want to do laundry or make dinner. I just want to cry.
I was reminded yesterday while doing a Beth Moore study on James, that I am to "consider it pure joy" when trials and problems come my way. (James 1:2) If I do this, I'll develop perseverance. (Right now, I don't want perseverance. I want to see my parents.) In our conversation about this section someone reminded me that we have to make a choice. Ultimately it is my choice - I can play the victim or I can plug away and know that despite what I feel, I am blessed. I'm breathing today. My family is healthy. A has a job. We can pay our bills. Yes, I am blessed. But why is this choice so hard? I'll admit that I've gotten angry with God today and I am so thankful that he is a God who can handle my rants. I don't understand why I have this longing if it is going to go unmet - or at least unmet in my eyes. It is hard and I don't want to make the choice to consider this joy, but I am trying. I am desperately trying.
Today, my relationship with God is minute to minute. I've been in constant conversation. I've been seeking. My choice right now is to keep seeking because that is the only way I can see that the joy could seep in. I am going to ask God for some clarity. I've prayed that this longing would go away and it hasn't. Another nugget from James - "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:6) What I cling to from that is that God gives generously WITHOUT finding fault. He can handle my rants and when I ask he will answer despite all my failings. James goes on to say, "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." (James 1:7) I wonder how much we miss because we don't fully trust and believe when we ask. I wonder what I have missed. And what am I missing now? For my human brain it is hard sometimes to believe that I'm going to get an answer because I can't fathom what that answer might be or I get discouraged that the answer will not come within my time line. (Especially in this scenario.) But I need some wisdom. So, my choice for this moment is to ask and believe that God will answer. Something that looks so easy, is so hard for me.
If you get a chance, will you pray that I find contentment here? Will you pray that my Indiana Funk will leave and not return? Thanks! I'd love to be able to pray for you - all 5 who are reading it! :) Let me know how I can. Leave a comment, send me an email, whatever...I'd like to be able to pray for you. Oh, and if you get a chance, start reading James. He doesn't mess around!
Katy - I so feel your pain! But, unlike you, I want to be back in Indy :). We have been here in Lexington for 2 months and I am trying to like it! I have prayed a lot about contentment, having gratitude (despite my circumstances - which really in the whole scope of things aren't that bad!), and learning to trust the Lord's perfect plan for our family (which may not be what I thought of as a perfect plan!). Please know that I will be praying for you as we walk this journey in different cities!
ReplyDeleteKaty i totally hear ya! I remember spending all of our 3 years in CA - - totally and completely depressed and miserable. CA of all places! it was beautiful! (but i missed that) It had so much to do (missed that too) there were loads of fun people there! (i didn't hang out with a 1 of them) it had the BEACH! (literally went maybe twice). I totally remember that feeling of being totally angry that I had to be there. (for someone else) :) and that I was forced to be out of my element. I look back now and wish I would have noticed all the beauties and gifts that God gave me during that time to help get me through, but I refused to see them. (not saying at all that you do that!) But we are always exactly where we should be. There are reasons. I spent so many years in this house here cursing it's location, and it's tiny backyard and the fact that it sits right in front of the loud community playground. I've only recently realized we are exactly in this place because the entire neighborhood has to pass our house on their way to the playground, and we have met so many GREAT friends that way, I mean dozens! We wouldn't have met a single one had we not been by this stupid playground. Now none of them even make it to the playground, they stop at our house and we all sit and do life together. Every day! And because we have no backyard, it forced us out front - ready to meet them all! I feel like every now and then He shows us glimmers of His purpose. It doesn't necessarily make the missing the other stuff less hard, but it reminds us that we are right where we ought to be. Ya know when i read your blog I think about Sommers too. You should checks her out: http://www.belovedburys.blogspot.com/2012/08/window-into-heaven.html
ReplyDeletepraying for you friend~!
Leah
I feel your pain.....I love living so close to all of J's family - we see each other all the time for family get togethers and birthdays and the cousins are growing up together, which I treasure - but sometimes all of that just rubs in that my family ISN'T here in Tucson. Thanks for your honesty Katy!
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