Yes, I have yet to start making R's tutu for her princess pirate Halloween costume but the laundry is done, everyone is fed and bathed each day and I am (albeit slowly) crossing things off my list. But why have a list? As a mom, there is a perpetual to do list. Maybe I should just create and post it in my house so I am not wasting paper re-writing the same things over and over. But never mind the list - there is still stress to deal with...
In my perfect little world, I would wake up every morning, spend at least 30 minutes with the Lord, exercise for an hour, be showered and ready to go before my kids woke up. That puts my wake up time at about 4 am. This is doable but then to get enough sleep I have to go to bed by 8 pm, shortly after my kids. There is such an unbalance here and I'm just not sure it will ever be balanced, at least not in the years my kids are in the house.
If I am honest with myself, part of the stress comes from the pressure I put on myself to do and be everything. I am the baker, the chef, the nurse, the maid, the accountant, the plumber, the handyman, the teacher, and the list goes on. A friend of mine sent me a link to the "Time-Warp Wife" blog and in it, she quotes Donna Ball, At Home on Lady Bug Farm -
"Motherhood is a choice you make every day, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."
Not sure where you are in this motherhood journey but I am recalling the HUGE meltdown my kids and I had on Saturday afternoon where the neighbors 2 miles away could have heard me and everyone was in tears. So that is where forgiving myself comes in because all I hear is how royally I messed up and how maybe I should throw in the towel on this stay at home mom job and get a different one. I am hearing the lies that I'm not good enough, that what I'm doing is not important. No one person is telling me these things, don't worry. I hear them as I replay conversations or I hear them delivered in stories through the media or in someone claiming women's rights. I don't believe we live in a country with overwhelming support for the stay at home mom. I personally, am very lucky to be surrounded either by moms that stay at home and get it, or moms that work and get it (or at least they pretend to). Let me be very clear to say that this job - raising my kids, being in the trenches all day every day, making 3 meals a day, cleaning all day, hearing the whining and melt downs all day long, not getting a moment to yourself - this job is the hardest I've ever had. The thing is, I want to do this job. Sure, there are days that would be SO much easier to go back to work - the sitter or teacher would have to deal with the whining, I'd get to go to the bathroom by myself, and I could afford to hire someone to clean my house. Sounds like a dream but it isn't mine.
I am blessed to stay at home with my kids. I know that I am one of many women who are in the trenches and could swap stories about poop on the walls or dreams about using the bathroom alone. I love this life. I love to make bread for my family. I love to do their laundry. I love to stop and play trains in the middle of the day. I love to curl up and read books. So with all of this love and being blessed stuff, why am I stressed? Because of the voices - the one that says no one appreciates me. The one that says I messed it up again. The one that says I'll never measure up. The voice of Satan that just keeps coming back at me.
This is the part where I am thankful that my God is bigger than him. My God is bigger than the newspaper articles and snide Facebook comments. My God is bigger than me. It's about time I claimed that one. I heard a pastor say that how you pray is a direct reflection of your view of God. Think about it...what are you praying for? It's high time I pray for the big things, the bold things, the transformational things. It's time to let God get bigger and squeeze everything else out. I am tired of hearing the lies. I am tired of trying to measure up. It just isn't worth it. We've got to stop comparing birthday parties and recipes and we've got to stop sizing each other up...because if you're honest, you've probably done it just like I have. As moms, we have to stop striving for perfection and start talking. We need to meet to get coffee and just pray - for our husband, for our kids, for our countries and for each other. I will most definitely open my home to anyone who wants to meet to pray. I am tired of feeling stressed and feeling like I don't measure up and if you are too, lets start over! I'll be praying for you and your family and yes, I am absolutely serious about getting together to pray!
Well you just described me and most people I know.
ReplyDelete"Until we come to terms with war as the context of our days we will not understand life. We will misinterpret 90 percent of what is happening around us and to us. It will be very hard to believe that God's intentions toward us are life abundant; it will be even harder not to feel that somehow we are just blowing it." (waking the dead).
I always think of that one.
You remember the blog I wrote last year about failing? Yeah I feel like a total train wreck - daily. And a hot mess at that!
I started an amazing book yesterday - you HAVE to get it. Called unglued. It literally describes what you just wrote. Stressed out mom, getting short and frustrated, yelling and then laying awake at night with regret.
I have a few pictures of some pages i took yesterday with some profound comments on it. I'll email to you!
love your guts!